The Queen's Corgi (2019)

A quick introduction to this review. I wanted to raise some money for all the worthy causes out there, and a month ago I found a terrible movie. So I gave a small group of friends this challenge: if at least three of them donated $81.00 (a dollar, per person, per minute of film) to a bail fund or similar organization in support of BIPOC, I would watch the terrible movie and give them a detailed report. This is my preliminary report.

What do you need to know about this film? Well, first off, it's written by the writers of Gnomeo and Juliet (but not Sherlock Gnomes). It was produced in Belgium. It has a 0% score on Rotten Tomatoes. And, disappointingly for me, they redubbed it for American release. I like Jack Whitehall, who originally played Rex. I even really like Jon Culshaw's impression of Trump, which I hear 20ish times a year on Radio Four's Dead Ringers.


But the American cast is ... less impressive. Trump's voice actor did it under a pseudonym. And the top-billed actor is also clearly a pseudonym (cartoon fans will recognize the joke). Almost like they were ashamed of this.

Too bad Joey Camen didn't use a pseudonym -- he plays the only human character of color in the film. The UK cast avoided voiceover brownface by casting an actual person of Asian descent, but this film couldn't be bothered. (I can't find any decent biographical info on Camen -- please tell me if I'm offbase here.)

I assume the redubbing was done to accomodate script changes, presumably to Americanize the script -- I remember a few things that probably weren't in the original, like using "pee" instead of "widdle" or something. Also, for some reason, the swans in St. James' Park were called "evil geese." I mean, do they assume kids in America haven't heard of swans?

But then, the whole thing is divorced from anything real anyway. Prince Phillip is ugly, but he's also a total dick the whole time. I feel like he was probably the original antagonist in the first draft of the script, but that got rewritten to avoid controversy.

Which, I mean, how do you avoid controversy when Donald Trump's visit is an inciting incident in your film? This movie does it by writing him as a goofy child, which would be fun if it were Gerald Ford or Reagan. But real-life Donald Trump owns no dog. He would never pet a dog, or be nice to a dog, or (as portrayed in this film), push a dog around in a plush carriage and speak to it in babytalk. (If that sounds like fun to watch, let me remind you: ZERO PERCENT.)


Just one more small roundup of Trumpy things about this film, and then I'll move on, I promise. Melania (who, in the American version, has a wery-wery veird accent) mentions how big the President's hands are. He's gracious when he has to eat English food, which is the biggest lie in this entire film. This movie wants to make a few broad jokes about the man and move on, as if the entire world population isn't excruciatingly familiar with his monstrous effect on literally all our lives.

But then this movie doesn't expect us to be familiar with anything, not even other movies. It rips off Puss In Boots' big-eyes trick. It rips off the traffic cone road crossing from Toy Story 2. It somehow thinks a training montage, a la Rocky, is fresh and intriguing grounds for comedy. It thinks we've never heard a single riff on the rules of Fight Club.

There are a few jokes that I almost liked -- the film is set at Christmas, so out-of-nowhere, a group of dogs sing "Jingle Bells," a nod to the novelty record which might well be funny in a better movie. Similarly, a bigger role for the swans would probably work as comedy. I also like how kindly Elizabeth is portrayed here; all real-life personality aside, it's sweet to see her enjoy the dogs so much.

To sum up, this is absolutely the worst film I've seen in 2020, but it was for a good cause. If you have a few extra dollars, might I recommend you send them to the Equal Justice Initiative? Or a local bail fund for protestors, many of whom are still locked up in our COVID-hotspots? Or the Navajo Nation COVID fund?

If you donate, and send me a picture of your receipt, I will gladly answer any questions you have about this movie. Thanks for your time. Don't watch the film.

MST3K #523: Village of the Giants

It's #523, with some giant "teen" delinquents.

Based on Dreams From My Father

Our movie this time is a teen party film, like Catalina Caper but without the blazing wit or hard rock. It's an affable movie, which only wants to make us laugh. And it pulls out all the stops: giant ducks dancing adorably, then being roasted and eaten; Tommy Kirk mugging; and Ronny Howard nearly killing himself repeatedly. Then, the film ends with possibly the most casually distasteful joke I've ever seen in a MST'd movie. (To sum up: Ronny is a chemical wunderkind, and has invented a goo that makes living creatures grow. A troupe of little people wander, on foot, into town so they can get bigger. Get it?)

Eldritch Cleavage

Along the way, we also see Beau Bridges make heartfelt speeches about how hard the teens have it these days (apparently he personally rewrote the dialogue), and the 30-year-old teens dance to a gaggle of pop songs from today's top hitmakers (or at least Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon, whom I like, but who is no Little Richard). Finally, Ronny creates the antidote and shrinks those delinquents back down to size, The sheriff decides to forget all about that time they kidnapped his daughter and literally threatened her life. It's fun!

He was even stripped of his spitcurl!

You know what's actually fun, though? The arc of host segments. This is the first time in my binge that they've laser-focused on a single story (not counting the run of Thanksgiving skits way back during K02). And what a story it is! Frank has been downsized, and over 90 minutes of in-universe time, he grows a beard and watches weeks of daytime television. Oh, and Torgo is applying for his old job. Plenty of fantastic character stuff from Frank, and I always love seeing Mike's Torgo (there's one theme-music joke here which I can't even describe, but it sure is great). The whole thing is just a lovefest for Frank (with another great song by Mike -- and his lovely bride), and it's not till the nonstinger that we realize it's all thinly camouflaged love for another departed Frank. I'm watching #624 soon, so I'll hold off on my eulogy for TV's Frank till then, but this is a great tribute.

And even without the Zappa tribute, this episode has some out-of-left-field references: Mudhoney, The Fugs, Bukowski, and Ed Gein all get mentioned (putting to rest my complaint regarding too little avant-garde trivia in the last episode). Since Ronny has a lot of screen time, we hear a few lines from "The Wells Fargo Wagon," but more impressive to me is the other song from Meredith Willson: "Chicken Fat," the song despised by generations of exercise-avoiders. And there's a reference to Animal from The Muppets, with a very creditable impression.

This is my second episode in a row to mention: Deney Terio, Honey I Shrunk The Kids, William Conrad, Acapulco HEAT, Dudley Do-Right, Ed Sullivan, What's Happening!!, Dirty Harry, Happy Days, North By Northwest, The Chevy Chase Show, and Gymkata (now retired). This is the third in a row to quote a song by The Who, and the third of my last four to quote Groucho (also newly retired).

A joke I had to look up: "The ravaging effects of Osgood-Schlatter disease."
A joke that didn't age well: "Frank, you haven't been off that couch since Vicki!"
My favorite joke: I enjoyed "The Ope of Greenwich Village," but it was just edged out by "Very, very white-collar crime."
Overall, I rate this 10/10. The movie is perfectly goofy, and the host segments are impeccable. I'd gladly show this one as an introduction to anyone who hasn't seen the show before.

Up next, I'm watching #604, Zombie Nightmare.

MST3K #510: The Painted Hills

It's #510, so we get to learn about good grooming, and then Lassie's out to get revenge.

They're cops.

First, a condescending narrator tells all us college kids about the importance of personal cleanliness, obsessive grooming rituals, and conformity. Like all the great educational shorts on this show, the riffing gets dark and dirty, and deservedly so. I love that Joel and the bots call out the narrator for his narrow-minded shaming, and in the following host segment both Crow and Tom champion individuality. Before, you know, the debate descends into chaos.

And our feature film is a dark, gritty Lassie movie (decades before dark, gritty reboots were even a thing). Lassie plays Shep, a dog who looks just like Lassie but with murderous vengeance in her heart. Her owner has been murdered over a gold claim, the villain nearly kills a kid, and Shep survives poisoning and eventually runs the guy over a cliff. It's half Treasure of the Sierra Madre, half family adventure movie. It's too serious to be fun, and has too much Lassie to be a suitable movie for grownups.

Sidebar: Speaking of surprisingly brutal sequels, I saw Logan this week. It's amazing, and unexpected. I nearly mentioned it in my previous episode writeup (as another reason I was sad). I figured it was maybe too personal, but closer in tone to this Lassie movie. I can't imagine how many thousands of tiny kids were taken to see this movie, just like I was surprised to see that seven-year-old girl in my theater, dancing to the Johnny Cash song playing during Logan's credits. And, like The Girl In Lover's Lane, this movie is darker than I like for a MST episode.

Crow slaughters Jay.

And since the movie is so dark, it's lucky that the riffs are so good. Running gags about Snausages and the irregular Pete piling-on are consistently good, and several of the host segments are perfection. I like Crow playing Leno, and his report on Rutherford B. Hayes ("Pornograph?") is classic.

I can't believe I've already made it to my last Joel episode of the binge. For me, Joel is not just the creator/writer/original host of the show, he's the progenitor. I know that, for legal reasons, Mallon gets to claim some credit, but Joel is the creative person who made it all happen. I tweeted an earlier post at Joel, though I can't imagine he read it, and he probably won't ever see this. But he's brought me literally hundreds of hours of joy, and I know there are millions of other people out there who can say the same thing.

This is the second episode in a row to mention: Jethro Tull, Perfect Strangers, Paul Revere's ride, Groucho (now retired), and Abraham Lincoln. It's the third to reference: Kenny Rogers and It's A Wonderful Life (also now retired). Since I've been tracking all the Muppet references, I also laughed out loud at the joke on Big Bird's "ABC-DEF-GHI".

Bonus feature alert: I haven't been mentioning all of these, but this disc has nearly an hour of host segments from Turkey Days past, with appearances from all our friends and Jack Perkins too.

A joke that aged so poorly, it was already cancelled: "Remember to tape Delta."
A joke I had to look up: "Call her what you will: a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican."
My favorite joke from this one: I loved "Arf-keeba! Gym-collie!," but the prize goes to "Well, looks like the montage finally blew over."
Overall, I rate this one 6/10. It's just too serious to make good MST fodder. It might sound silly, but I really liked the characters and didn't feel like laughing when Shep nearly died from poison.

Up next, I greet Mike in #519, Outlaw of Gor.