MST3K #604: Zombie Nightmare

It's #604, with more delinquents and a baseball-bat-wielding zombie.

Our movie this time is a low-budget Canadian rock-teen-horror-baseball-voodoo film (yes, ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE), featuring Adam West and Tia Carrere. A chunky baseball player stops two young punks from raping a young woman, and one of them stabs him to death, right in front of his son. Then, years later, his grown-up son prevents a robbery and gets coincidentally run down in front of the store. The new young punks (one is the son of the second, non-murdering punk from the prologue, and is also a rapist) drive off, leaving the son to die in the street. His mother calls on the young woman from the prologue, who luckily is a voodoo witch (there are lots of those in Montreal, doncha know?) and they revive the son. He's not really himself, though, just a vengeance-bent zombie.

Why you should always call before you dig.

There's a young cop trying to solve all the teen murders, and his boss (Mr. West, there), seems to know an awful lot of the players in this case. Since, as it turns out, he's the stabby rapey punk from the opening, and the old baseball guy gets zombified just long enough to drag him down to hell.

The movie is pretty bad, but it kinda knows it. (Or at least the creators did -- the DVD special feature has several of the stars talking about their reflections on the MST version of their film, and how much they liked the show even before they were on it.) Adam West wasn't quite in full self-parody mode yet, though that time wasn't far off. As a result, his character work and mustache are enacted seriously, even his breakdown during the scene pictured above.

A deleted scene from Batman Vs. Soup.

And since Adam's in the movie, it's only right that Mike and the bots spend a lot of time talking about Batman. Crow's even written a sketch about it, but he threw it out, so Mike's wearing those tiny shorts for no good reason. Besides all the obvious Batman jokes, there are also a decent amount of jokes about the Canadian setting (David Steinberg, Andrea Martin, Bob and Doug McKenzie, and even The Kids In The Hall get called out).

Sidebar: Boy, do I ever wish the Mads didn't wear that makeup for their voodoo phase. Okay, maybe even the makeup would be okay, but the Screamin' Jay Hawkins bone-in-nose getup is just so tasteless.

This is my second episode in a row to mention: The NRA, Peanut Buster Parfaits, Chi-Chi's, Frankenstein, an Orlon sweater, Elvis, and ABBA. It's the third to mention Happy Days (four out of the last five, and now retired). And three out of my last four episodes have mentioned The Dilly Bar (that's it, all Dairy Queen references are retired too).

A (dark) joke I had to look up: "Were they the Tonton Macoutes?"
A joke that didn't age well: "He's doing the Nestea Plunge!"
My favorite joke: "George Romero's Casey At The Bat." (Honorable mention to the garage door closing: "That's a really trivial use of her dark powers.")
Overall, I rate this one 6/10. The movie is too dark to see, too noisy to hear. The riffs are on point, but the movie is a tad too serious for me to fully enjoy.

Up next, I'm watching #616, Racket Girls.

MST3K #523: Village of the Giants

It's #523, with some giant "teen" delinquents.

Based on Dreams From My Father

Our movie this time is a teen party film, like Catalina Caper but without the blazing wit or hard rock. It's an affable movie, which only wants to make us laugh. And it pulls out all the stops: giant ducks dancing adorably, then being roasted and eaten; Tommy Kirk mugging; and Ronny Howard nearly killing himself repeatedly. Then, the film ends with possibly the most casually distasteful joke I've ever seen in a MST'd movie. (To sum up: Ronny is a chemical wunderkind, and has invented a goo that makes living creatures grow. A troupe of little people wander, on foot, into town so they can get bigger. Get it?)

Eldritch Cleavage

Along the way, we also see Beau Bridges make heartfelt speeches about how hard the teens have it these days (apparently he personally rewrote the dialogue), and the 30-year-old teens dance to a gaggle of pop songs from today's top hitmakers (or at least Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon, whom I like, but who is no Little Richard). Finally, Ronny creates the antidote and shrinks those delinquents back down to size, The sheriff decides to forget all about that time they kidnapped his daughter and literally threatened her life. It's fun!

He was even stripped of his spitcurl!

You know what's actually fun, though? The arc of host segments. This is the first time in my binge that they've laser-focused on a single story (not counting the run of Thanksgiving skits way back during K02). And what a story it is! Frank has been downsized, and over 90 minutes of in-universe time, he grows a beard and watches weeks of daytime television. Oh, and Torgo is applying for his old job. Plenty of fantastic character stuff from Frank, and I always love seeing Mike's Torgo (there's one theme-music joke here which I can't even describe, but it sure is great). The whole thing is just a lovefest for Frank (with another great song by Mike -- and his lovely bride), and it's not till the nonstinger that we realize it's all thinly camouflaged love for another departed Frank. I'm watching #624 soon, so I'll hold off on my eulogy for TV's Frank till then, but this is a great tribute.

And even without the Zappa tribute, this episode has some out-of-left-field references: Mudhoney, The Fugs, Bukowski, and Ed Gein all get mentioned (putting to rest my complaint regarding too little avant-garde trivia in the last episode). Since Ronny has a lot of screen time, we hear a few lines from "The Wells Fargo Wagon," but more impressive to me is the other song from Meredith Willson: "Chicken Fat," the song despised by generations of exercise-avoiders. And there's a reference to Animal from The Muppets, with a very creditable impression.

This is my second episode in a row to mention: Deney Terio, Honey I Shrunk The Kids, William Conrad, Acapulco HEAT, Dudley Do-Right, Ed Sullivan, What's Happening!!, Dirty Harry, Happy Days, North By Northwest, The Chevy Chase Show, and Gymkata (now retired). This is the third in a row to quote a song by The Who, and the third of my last four to quote Groucho (also newly retired).

A joke I had to look up: "The ravaging effects of Osgood-Schlatter disease."
A joke that didn't age well: "Frank, you haven't been off that couch since Vicki!"
My favorite joke: I enjoyed "The Ope of Greenwich Village," but it was just edged out by "Very, very white-collar crime."
Overall, I rate this 10/10. The movie is perfectly goofy, and the host segments are impeccable. I'd gladly show this one as an introduction to anyone who hasn't seen the show before.

Up next, I'm watching #604, Zombie Nightmare.

MST3K #519: Outlaw (Of Gor)

It's #519, with a parallel-universe jerk of a hero.

Don't get your hopes up.

Our movie this time is a tiresome fantasy slog, based (loosely) on a notoriously misogynistic series of fantasy novels. And it's a sequel to something. Tarl Cabot (sure, that's believable as the name of a mid-80s American college professor) is a fella from Earth who found himself drawn to another planet, where he had some kind of adventures, though the flashbacks don't tell us much at all. It doesn't matter though, since he's quickly pulled back (along with an irritating sidekick character). And immediately, he has to save the kingdom from evil.

Jack Palance, showing the depths he fell to before City Slickers.

An ambitious woman has seduced the kind, beloved king (whose daughter is Cabot's true love). A priest-king (why would anyone cast Palance as a religious leader??) is colluding with her to overthrow the king, take over the kingdom, and undo all the progressive freedom and justice and stuff. (Nope, no political sidebars from me today. You can write it yourself -- seems pretty obvious.)

Cabot's earthman sidekick betrays him at the first scent of sex, the queen murders the king and frames Cabot, and the princess is imprisoned. Oh, and we see a LOT of body parts. Like, a lot. Thighs and calves, buttcheeks and sideboobs, and plenty of greasy oily sweat. In the end, Cabot is spurred into action by the queen's slaving policies, and manages to defeat her, marrying his princess and becoming king. (It seems the original novels took a different approach to slavery, and spent a lot of time on pretty backwards gender relations. The DVD bonus features include a short documentary about the original novels [they were written by an American college professor -- wishful thinking much?], along with the revelation that this film was shot in South Africa, during Apartheid. Ick, double ick, and damn humanity in general.)

Big, buttery slabs of Fabio! (feat. Crow's Leno chin)

It's my first Mike episode of the binge (his seventh as host overall), and he's already in full-flow. The episode first shows him rough-housing with Tom and Crow (and, naturally, it ends badly.). This episode's "invention exchange" is one in name only, since Mike and the bots are presenting Fabio kits. Clay and Frank present a totally-real time machine. This would be the final invention exchange, and I'm kind of glad they decided to abandon the concept. Mike wasn't that maker guy; he was a song-writing guy. And boy, does this episode have a great song. "Tubular, Boobular Joy" is a masterpiece of pop-novelty music-craft, properly beloved in the fandom.

The quality of the riffs is pretty indistinguishable from my last Joel episode. The obscurest riffs are slightly less avant-garde and slightly more 70s TV, but that's a first, unscientific impression, so take it with a grain of salt. There were an awful lot of jokes I wanted to specifically mention here, so here's just a few:

• "It's time for The Brutal Gourmet."
• "Here you go, Socrates."
• "Honey, I shrunk the Nelson."
• "He dislocated his mandible!"

This is my second episode to mention: Dilly Bars, Cosmo, Marlene Deitrich, a song by The Who, Cliffhanger, The Lambada, and "Sampo!" It's the third in a row to mention Jethro Tull, and the third out of the last four to reference Mr. Ed. Four out of my last five have mentioned The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and five out of the last seven referenced Indiana Jones (both now retired).

A joke I had to look up: "Joe Namath!"
A joke that didn't age well: "Kathie Lee had her baby." (Honorable mention: the reference to Ted Danson's notorious blackface appearance.)
My favorite joke: "This is the life." "For you maybe, not for the women."
Overall, I rate this one 6/10. The movie has a lot of things happen, but it's just so dull. I can't fault the in-theater riffs, but (song notwithstanding) the host segments aren't perfect.

Up next, it's #523, Village of the Giants.

MST3K #510: The Painted Hills

It's #510, so we get to learn about good grooming, and then Lassie's out to get revenge.

They're cops.

First, a condescending narrator tells all us college kids about the importance of personal cleanliness, obsessive grooming rituals, and conformity. Like all the great educational shorts on this show, the riffing gets dark and dirty, and deservedly so. I love that Joel and the bots call out the narrator for his narrow-minded shaming, and in the following host segment both Crow and Tom champion individuality. Before, you know, the debate descends into chaos.

And our feature film is a dark, gritty Lassie movie (decades before dark, gritty reboots were even a thing). Lassie plays Shep, a dog who looks just like Lassie but with murderous vengeance in her heart. Her owner has been murdered over a gold claim, the villain nearly kills a kid, and Shep survives poisoning and eventually runs the guy over a cliff. It's half Treasure of the Sierra Madre, half family adventure movie. It's too serious to be fun, and has too much Lassie to be a suitable movie for grownups.

Sidebar: Speaking of surprisingly brutal sequels, I saw Logan this week. It's amazing, and unexpected. I nearly mentioned it in my previous episode writeup (as another reason I was sad). I figured it was maybe too personal, but closer in tone to this Lassie movie. I can't imagine how many thousands of tiny kids were taken to see this movie, just like I was surprised to see that seven-year-old girl in my theater, dancing to the Johnny Cash song playing during Logan's credits. And, like The Girl In Lover's Lane, this movie is darker than I like for a MST episode.

Crow slaughters Jay.

And since the movie is so dark, it's lucky that the riffs are so good. Running gags about Snausages and the irregular Pete piling-on are consistently good, and several of the host segments are perfection. I like Crow playing Leno, and his report on Rutherford B. Hayes ("Pornograph?") is classic.

I can't believe I've already made it to my last Joel episode of the binge. For me, Joel is not just the creator/writer/original host of the show, he's the progenitor. I know that, for legal reasons, Mallon gets to claim some credit, but Joel is the creative person who made it all happen. I tweeted an earlier post at Joel, though I can't imagine he read it, and he probably won't ever see this. But he's brought me literally hundreds of hours of joy, and I know there are millions of other people out there who can say the same thing.

This is the second episode in a row to mention: Jethro Tull, Perfect Strangers, Paul Revere's ride, Groucho (now retired), and Abraham Lincoln. It's the third to reference: Kenny Rogers and It's A Wonderful Life (also now retired). Since I've been tracking all the Muppet references, I also laughed out loud at the joke on Big Bird's "ABC-DEF-GHI".

Bonus feature alert: I haven't been mentioning all of these, but this disc has nearly an hour of host segments from Turkey Days past, with appearances from all our friends and Jack Perkins too.

A joke that aged so poorly, it was already cancelled: "Remember to tape Delta."
A joke I had to look up: "Call her what you will: a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican."
My favorite joke from this one: I loved "Arf-keeba! Gym-collie!," but the prize goes to "Well, looks like the montage finally blew over."
Overall, I rate this one 6/10. It's just too serious to make good MST fodder. It might sound silly, but I really liked the characters and didn't feel like laughing when Shep nearly died from poison.

Up next, I greet Mike in #519, Outlaw of Gor.

MST3K #509: The Girl In Lover's Lane

It's Episode 509, wherein two drifters visit a small town, sowing unhappiness among the townsfolk AND the audience.

Ah, the romance of the open rail! And the soul-crushing depression of the closed heart!

Our movie this week is a sad little slab of teen-crime drama.  Bix is a rough-and-tumble drifter, riding the rails, hopping freights from town to town, after his drunken slob of a father dies. Spoiled rich-boy Danny is running from his home too, though it's just a broken one. After Danny gets rolled and knocked out, they hop off a train near Sherman, a little town with about four women (and two of the four are prostitutes). Carrie (a waitress) falls for Bix, while one of the prostitutes gets Danny drunk and steals his wallet. Carrie gets the pair hired at her dad's diner (where they have to shoo off her stalker), and takes Bix out for night-time walks near the local pond. He pushes her away, since he's determined to drift on.

Sidebar: I couldn't help but be reminded of a similar -- though more recent -- potboiler by Lawrence Block, one of my favorite crime writers. His Resume Speed is about a similar drifter, who gets a job in a diner and falls for a woman. And he has to decide, does he deserve the happiness of settling down, or should he keep punishing himself? The ending of that isn't as manipulative as this one, and treats the subject with more emotion and adult seriousness. 

"Are we gonna hustle these guys, Big Stupid?"

Then Danny makes the mistake of changing a $50 in the local poolhall, and the local gang gives them an alley-fight to remember. And Carrie's stalker keeps creeping by, and before you know it, Bix has broken Carrie's heart, and then the stalker kills her, and her dad is beating Bix nearly to death. Just a really uplifting ending all around.

I dunno, maybe I'm just bummed out because I'm still hurting a little from Resume Speed. (On the other hand, the final host segment is just Tom and Crow coming up with alternate endings to the film, so I know I'm not alone in my response.)

Let's move on to more pleasant things. This episode has one of my favorite original songs from the show, which prompted me to embed a video for the first time in this binge. It's a brilliant train-song pastiche and, thanks to the lyrics from Frank, takes a really dark, real-life turn in the last verse. (The movie's opening "song," too, has a nice set of lyrics courtesy of our funny friends.)

All of these episodes have what I'm starting to think of as "reference clumps". This one has a LOT of references to painters: Picasso, Lichtenstein, Gainsborough, Whistler, and Munch all get mentioned along with Andrew Wyeth. 

This is the second episode in a row to reference: Garrison Keillor, Mr. Ed, Unforgiven, David Crosby, It's A Wonderful Life, Foster Brooks, "Jim Dandy To The Rescue," a Kenny Rogers song, Siddhartha, and Peter Lawford. It's the third to mention The Mary Tyler Moore Show and I Dream of Jeannie.

A joke I had to look up: "I am Xenon. Play me."

A joke that didn't age well: "It's Larry and Balki's apartment."

My favorite joke: I love the whole run of Danny's alternate dialogue. In addition to the one quoted above, there's "What about that guy I groined in the knee?"

Overall, I rate this one: 5/10. The ending of the movie, even with the constant jokes, is too close to sadmaking for me. 

Speaking of sadmaking things, next, I'm bidding farewell to Joel with #510, The Painted Hills.

MST3K #413: Manhunt In Space

Well, I caught a cold, and that put me behind schedule at the worst possible time -- the release date for the new season was finally announced. It all drops on April 14. That means I've got just 46 days to finish my pregame binge. And with twenty more episodes to watch, I need to aim for one every two days. Seems like I won't make it, but I'll sure enjoy the attempt.

Anyway, today we're looking at #413, with some soapy clips and some space-spies.

Featuring Nurse Feratu

In an excerpt from the first season of General Hospital, doctors and nurses and patients soap it up, with long expository monologues and melodramatic speeches. The electric organ, as you might expect, is too high in the mix. Afterwards, the bots want to play soap opera, but Joel refuses to go along.

I guess Bill Paxton was just glad he didn't have to work with Helen Hunt in space.

And next, another movie that isn't. It's more TV episodes cut together, though at least this story was conceived as a single piece (take that, Master Ninja!). Rocky Jones is another one of those square-headed, cowboy-style space heroes, who solves every conflict with a fistfight, the old American way. (I'm glad to know that we haven't had anything like that happen on the ISS.)

Space pirates are capturing ships, stealing the cargo, and killing the crews, AND they've infiltrated the base of the heroes. Rocky and his irritating sidekick Winky use their invisible space-technology to find the mole and catch the bad guys. They get captured a LOT (this was originally three TV episodes, and I think the heroes get captured at least four times), and each time they have to punch their way out. In the meantime, the tiresome sidekick brags about his notional love life, and sings a cloying lullaby. I've seen the other MST'd Rocky Jones movie, though I'll be danged if I can remember anything about it. I hope Winky doesn't sing in that one.

Crow isn't a Stratocaster; Tom isn't the Golden Throat.

The riffs are up to the usual standard -- two fairly obscure Star Trek jokes I had to look up, plus mentions of Ted Knight, Mr. Mooney, Roy Lichtenstein, and Bettie Page. I really enjoyed the Mr. Wizard/Police Squad! style joke: "And that's how cattle are inseminated." (Speaking of Police Squad!, how obscure a reference is "Hey, it's the 'Sucker' Brothers"?!?) 

We learn a few trivia facts about our friends in this one: not only is Tom color-blind, but Joel apparently has a sister. (In the SciFi era, we would've seen Mike's sister, and she would've been Mike in a wig. In fact, I'll wager one American dollar that did happen.)

It's rare in this binge for me to watch two consecutive episodes, so I appreciated that Crow calls back the "good-natured brawling" from #412, just a few minutes after the well-aged callback to Fugitive Alien. But since these two aired in order, there aren't many repeated jokes. This is my second episode in a row to reference Captain Crunch, and the third to mention The Flintstones.

A joke that didn't age well: "What is this, Radio AHHS?"
A joke I had to look up: "When in Duluth, visit the Lift Bridge."
My favorite joke: Once again, I enjoyed the variant "Sturgeon! In! Spaaaaaaaace!", but the winner is clearly "It's like a million-to-one shot that we'll ever be seen." "Oh, they're on Comedy Central."
Overall, I rate this episode 9/10. Rocky's a little dull, but otherwise it's perfect.

Up next, it's #505, The Magic Voyage of Sinbad.

MST3K #412: Hercules and the Captive Women

It's #412, wherein Hercules rescues a captive woman. Just one.

This film is dedicated to Uranus

For Gypsy's first real riffing experience, our film is... weird. It's got huge production value, a silly script, and poor editing. ("Can God Himself make a plot so complicated that even He can't comprehend it?") This is like the eighth Hercules movie the crew had to sit through, and I know I've seen a bunch of them. I can't remember a single thing about the others, and I don't know how much of this one I'll remember either.

Herc fights a terrible lizard

Well, okay. I'll probably remember the scene where they clearly reuse an old dinosaur costume from another film. I was never a big fan of ancient myths, and I can't necessarily explain the difference between Zeus and Poseidon. So let's just say I'm not a fan of the franchise, and don't have much emotional investment in the characters. The idea that Hercules personally destroyed Atlantis is interesting, I guess. This film is goofy, but even its goofiness is kind of boring. I don't know that I'd ever want to watch it again, or any of the other Hercules MST episodes for that matter.

Sidebar: I have a bad habit of needing a nap halfway through the dullest MST films, and I probably could've dozed off during this one. Maybe that's why I'm so cranky. ...either that, or I'm jealous of all the naps Hercules takes as the plot unfolds around him.

The aftermath of good-natured brawling

And apart from Gypsy making a decent joke in the theater ("They're steam-cleaning the horses!") there's not much memorable in the riff department either. I enjoyed all the softballs the movie threw about Uranus, and how the gang reply to them. It's nice to have the clump of sugar cereal jokes (for unrelated reasons, they call out Lucky Charms, Captain Crunch, and Cocoa Puffs), and this is my first time hearing "Jim Henson's Fill-In-The-Blank Babies" during the binge.

This is my second episode in a row to reference: "Don't take the brown acid," The Six Million Dollar Man, The Marx Brothers, "John And Marsha," "Attica Attica Attica," Indiana Jones, Tahitian Treat, and The Flintstones. And it's my third time hearing about: The Rockford Files, The Simpsons, Gymkata, "Hooker was a good cop!," Blazing Saddles, and Prince.

Bonus feature alert: We get a nice feature on all the Shout! Factory poster art from Steve Vance, and Joel introduces the film.

A joke I had to look up: "We love you Conrad, oh yes we do." (Bye Bye Birdie is on my to-watch list, honest.)
My favorite joke in this one: "Tonight's Episode: Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill To Fetch a Pail of MURDER!"
Overall, I rate this one: 5/10. The jokes are good, but the dull movie just killed my joy.

Next, it's #413, Manhunt In Space.

MST3K #324: Master Ninja II

It's #324, and Grandpa Ninja saves the day again!

It's two more episodes of The Master, a ten-years-late ripoff of Kung Fu, with more obvious stunt doubles and goofier plots. McAllister and his junior partner have two more adventures, and first they help a five-years-late Norma Rae ripoff organize her cannery workplace. Then, they help a twenty-five-years-later Bond ripoff fight terrorists and rescue hostages. Along the way, McAllister gets to play with all his ninja toys ("Oh, he brought his sample case."), and Keller drives a motorcycle and a plane, and kisses two pretty girls.

Did I mention George Lazenby is in this movie? They cast him as a Bondian spy, with a handful of cool gadgets. (His sticky-tracker gun looks bulky to bring into a garden party, but what do I know?) There's also a big part for David McCallum, who was one of the M[e]n from UNCLE. (He's doing well for himself these days as Ducky on NCIS.)

Sidebar: One final note on a guest star... uh, cameo in this FILM. Robert F. Hoy, who plays Masterson in the second episode... uh, half of the film, must be friends with David McCallum. He played three different characters on three episodes of Man From UNCLE, and his last role listed on IMDB is a cameo on NCIS. (He also appeared in bit parts on a LOT of the shows Joel and the Bots mention: Magnum PI, BJ and the Bear, The Rockford Files, Mannix, Mod Squad, Bat Masterson. And, it should be pointed out, he squared the circle by appearing on two episodes of Kung Fu.)

This episode has two so-so host segments, and two that are AMAZING. The "General Timothy Van Patten" one, pictured above, is just perfect. It's got one great joke, and lasts not a second too long. After that, Tom's long explanation, assigning specific pets to fictional detectives, is perfectly skewed, nerdy, and hilarious.

The riffs hit more than miss. I loved "You didn't have to climb into a security-guard warehouse," and also laughed out loud at "Didja ever see Food of the Gods, buddy?" There's even a Stan Freberg deep-cut joke with "John!" "Marsha!" (And I love the nerdiness of Tom's mention of Foucault.)

This one has a lot of repeated jokes. Not counting callbacks to the last episode, this is my second episode in a row to mention: "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers," "I'll Be Seeing You," Lech Walesa, "Hooker's a good cop!," Blazing Saddles, The Rockford Files, Starsky and Hutch, Silly String, Gymkata, Prince, "Huzzah!," Knight Rider, "Stranger in Paradise," and "Mendozaaaa!" (That Simpsons joke was really fresh at the time -- that episode aired just two months before this one.)

It's the fourth in a row to mention "Hi-keeba!" and Jerry Lewis. (And the fourth of the last five to recall 1960's TV Batman. I'll stop counting these now, putting them in the same category as Python and Wizard of Oz and Beatles jokes [three in this episode, not counting two solo Paul jokes and the Rick Nelson "Garden Party" line].)

AND the DVD has a nice long bonus: a 2010 Dragon*Con panel about Tom with both Josh and Kevin talking about their history with, and views of, the character. I saw this ages ago on YouTube, and the picture quality still isn't great, but it's an amazing collection of the best Servo stories (and Kevin even pulls out the original hate-banner). It's hosted by superfan Ken Plume, who's posted, like, a dozen hours of interviews with various MST folks over the years on his podcast, A Bit of A Chat.

A joke that didn't age well:"She’s got a Landers sister quality."
A joke I had to look up: "Looks like a Paul Klee painting."
My favorite joke: I liked a LOT in this episode, but my absolute favorite was "Let's see a show of hands." "I lost my hand in a fish-chopper."

Overall, I rate this one 8/10. The movie is goofy and fun, and the riffing is absolutely top-notch. If there were one more great host segment, I'd give this 10/10.

Up next, I watch #412, Hercules And The Captive Women.

MST3K #322: Master Ninja I

And now, #322. It's got a white ninja, a mediocre TV hero, and a few minutes of Demi Moore.

Here's another "movie" that never saw theaters. The TV show was chunked and formed into seven different movieloaves, and I'm going to watch two of them. The first one has guest spots from Demi, Claude Akins, Clu Gulagher, and Deliverance's Bill McKinney as a corrupt cop. (The DVD bonus has an interview with him, and he seems to have enjoyed watching this one. I'll see him again in Final Justice).

Lee Van Cleef is an aging ninja, looking for an apprentice, since all the Asian ninja he instructed have turned evil. Luckily, there's another American (a Van Patten, even) who wants to learn the tricks of the trade, and help out some oppressed folks in the bargain. Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten, driving around in a van. It's a triple-van show.

Sidebar: Why did the TV of the 70's and 80's have so many traveling heroes? Just this week, I watched Claude Akins in an episode of his 1972 trucker action show, Movin' On, since it was partially filmed at Six Flags Over Georgia. In that episode, Claude gives up a lucrative Bible-hauling contract to help an old man in his foolish dream to launch his redneck hot-air-balloon into a race.

And speaking of old men, the second episode... um, half of the movie... features an old hoofer. Charlie Collins hadn't acted in 30 years, and they show us a clip from his best-known movie, The Dancing Pirate (which I've seen before, since I watch more pirate movies than any reasonable person should). Then, Collins does a short dance in the current day. I'm not sure exactly how or why he shows up here. (Was he friends with the director?)

One more note: during the climactic tightrope sequence, who the hell carries the briefcase full of money across? It's not in anyone's hand. Are we supposed to just ignore it? Tim's clearly carrying it just seconds later.

And I like the riffing here, a lot. ("I've got a bad feeling about that knick-knack shelf.") There are a few then-zeitgeisty jokes about Japanese folks buying everything, and Crow affects a pretty offensive accent for a few minutes, but they mostly steer clear of that trap. For no good reason, there's a run of dark jokes about actresses (Isadora Duncan's scarf, Edie Sedgwick's cigarettes, even a really tasteless one about Katherine Hepburn). There's a huge slam on Stephen J. Cannell out of nowhere, and even a random line from a Thurl Ravenscroft Disney TV theme song. Tom impersonates Jack Perkins (well) and Barry White (not so well).

This is my first (and second) Prince joke, and an early mention of Dream On!, before it shut out MST at the Cable ACE awards. It's also the first time I've heard something other than "Mighty Science Theater" over the closing credits. This is my second episode in a row to reference: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Planet of the Apes, and The New Monkees. This is the third episode in a row to mention: Jerry Lewis, Dairy Queen, and "Hikeeba!"

A joke I had to look up: "Looks like Clarence Thomas's wife."
A joke that didn't age well: "You know, these Robert Bly weekends are getting more and more intense."
My favorite joke: I really love how game Frank is to play along during the middle host segment. He's gotten all dressed up, and doesn't even get to finish the word "showtime" before Dr. F. shuts him down. Poor Frank.

Up next, #324, Master Ninja II.

MST3K #318: Star Force: Fugitive Alien II

And now, #318, as Ken the Starwolf fights more aliens, and keeps ripping off George Lucas.

Our "movie" is another compilation of TV episodes, following immediately after the events of the first film. Ken's girlfriend is still dead, and the (brainwashed, blue-faced) Colonel that just got rescued is still on board the Bacchus 3.

This movie is more-or-less the same in tone and quality as the previous entry (as evidenced by those high-quality instrument readouts there), except for one thing. The editing here is even sloppier -- the final episode story just slams into the rest of the movie, without even a note from the usually redundant narrator to answer Crow's plaintive "What the heck is going on??" Ken and Cap'n Joe's crew still bravely war in the stars, attempting to destroy two planet-killing weapons that are definitely NOT the Death Star. Also, the finale is definitely NOT the trench dogfight from Episode Four. (Reminds me of the marketplace from the first movie, which was definitely NOT a wretched hive of scum and villainy.) At the end, like an interstellar Shane, Ken decides he must return to his home planet, to bring justice and freedom to all the other Starwolves. Without, you know, the audience feeling anything about it either way.

And if the movie is wall-to-wall Skywalking, the riffs and host segments are wall-to-wall singing. The final host spot is my second favorite so far in this binge, as our friends sing an extended medley of all the songs they made up for the film. I also really enjoyed the introductory scene, where Tom and Crow discuss the nature of puppets.

And speaking of this binge specifically, it's my first time hearing "Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you." (Apparently, nobody's put that ad up on YouTube! Anybody got a copy?)  The riffs also include my second Tom Waits joke, a nifty Barton Fink joke, and 2 SCTV jokes. This is the second episode in a row to reference "You want to go faster?," "Hi-keeba!," "Billy Don't Be A Hero," Vidal Sassoon, Gymkata, Keith Richards, Paul Harvey, and Jerry Lewis. It's the THIRD to reference 1960's TV Batman (and that doesn't even count the jokes about Cesar Romero.)

Bonus feature alert: A career-spanning interview with Sandy Frank, where he namedrops ceaselessly, and almost pretends to be gracious about the reason for the interview. He doesn't seem to harbor much love for the MST3K gang, which is understandable given all the name-calling they did toward him personally. I did like knowing more about his history, though he talks very little about the movies (and "movies") featured on MST.

A joke I had to look up: "Another painting by Judy Chicago."
A joke that didn't age well: Tom's reference to Roseanne Barr's rendition of the National Anthem.
My favorite joke from this one: I feel dirty, but it's absolutely Crow's endless use of "Again?" (If only they'd come up with a proper ending, it would be one of my favorite running jokes of all time.)
Overall, I rate this one 7/10. It feels more boring, and more confusing, than the previous installment. The movie's worse, but I think the host spots are slightly better.

Up next, I'm watching another TV-sourced twofer, starting with #322, Master Ninja.

MST3K #310: Fugitive Alien

It's #310, with an alien helping Earth (and some other planets) fight his evil former rulers.

This week's movie is ... not a movie. Like a few other MST installments, it's a collection of TV episodes mashed together to form a movie-like product. The movie's alien hero, Ken, accidentally kills his best friend, in an attempt to keep him from killing an innocent earth kid, who's also named Ken. Since they were soldiers, Ken has to escape his evil government, and ends up recruited by Earth to fight his old comrades. (Ken's also on the run from his girlfriend Rita, whose brother was Ken's former best friend/victim - the alien government has ordered her to avenge her brother and kill the traitor.)

Ken works alongside a crew of brave Earth spacemen, led by Captain Joe (a mood-swinging heavy drinker and tragedy magnet) and piloted by hothead Rocky, who would of course try to kill Ken with a forklift. The crew also includes the lone woman, Tammy the "morale officer" (and speculation on her actual job duties gets icky and dark real fast for me) who naturally develops a crush on Ken.

Ken and Cap'n Joe's crew have a couple of random adventures (though this feels more like a movie than the two KTMA compilations I saw), and Rita gets gunned down right before our "To Be Continued" message.

Inspired by the huge success of Star Wars, the TV series used a lot of miniatures and special photo processes to tell universe-spanning stories of spacefighting.  (Does that M.O. sound a lot like Time of The Apes? It does to me, and in fact the two things share a screenwriter.) Sure, the production values aren't great, and Sandy Frank's ham-fisted editing (an omniscient narrator AND interior monologue?) does no favors to the material, but it's quick-moving and always easy to watch.

The DVD special feature is a nice history/contextualization from August Ragone, who seems to be Shout! Factory's go-to on these things. His encyclopedic knowledge and enthusiasm for the original material is fun to watch, and I'm always happy to hear from him.

And speaking of film comment, it's the very first appearance of Mike as Jack Perkins! Jack went on to bigger and better things (and the DVD also features him in the MST Hour wraps), but he's spot-on, right from the start. Also, Joel gets violent in character twice here -- as a bumpkin farmer, he tips over Cow-Gypsy, and as Cap'n Joe he punches Tom and Crow. It's out-of-character, and along with Jack's repeated punishments, this might be the most cartoonishly violent episode I've ever seen.

The riffs, though, are just what they should be. We get a lot of coincidental groupings - an early George of the Jungle joke has nothing to do with the later Rocky and Bullwinkle joke, and the three Monty Python jokes aren't related. There are FOUR Rolling Stones jokes, in four different contexts. This is my second episode in a row to reference Jack Benny, Dairy Queen, "The white zone is for loading and unloading only," 60's TV Batman, and The Deer Hunter. And, it's the third in a row with a callback to Robot Holocaust.

A joke that didn't age well: "He’s in more trouble than Hudson Hawk at the box office!”
My favorite joke: I loved "Monks! In! SPAAAAAACE!" and even "Heckraiser," but they were neatly edged out by Joel's impression of Frank during the hat party.
Overall, I rate this: 9/10. It's not in my ten favorite episodes, but I can't name a single thing wrong with it. The movie is just the right level of silly and cheesy, and the riffs are perfection.

Up next, #318, Star Force: Fugitive Alien II.

MST3K #205: Rocket Attack U.S.A

It's #205: Bela creeps around some more, and commies attack the USA with rockets.

 

This episode opens with Tom's new head. It wouldn't last long -- just two episodes. In the short, Bela's still mad-sciencing, and this time he's killed his wife and is out for vengeance. He uses the invisibelt to knock some guys out, the giant robot does nothing, and the exploding mechaspider nearly coma-fies Bela's underling. The spunky reporter parachutes into a tree, and everyone -- EVERYONE -- sneaks around.

And our film this week is a red-bashing military propaganda film. Our brave spies attempt to sabotage Russia's long-range nuke, but screw up. While the narrator and the film's military chief bemoan the low budget of the army ("Had we half the money that was appropriated for such worthy programs as cheese price supports, we would have had our ICBM long ago"), Russia fires a missile. It levels New York, and kills three million people. (One single unprompted political fact, and then I'm done: The USDA pays around $20 billion each year in total subsidies, and the military spent 30 times that in 2015. Apparently, some people are still upset about our subsidy programs, by the way.) 

The film's not subtle, in any way, about anything, and its emotional manipulation and condescension to the presumed audience remind me of local news teases. ("Are unseen dangers murdering your children? Tune in at 11 to find out.")

Sidebar: I've seen Hidden Figures this week, which shows us a more peaceful view of the post-Sputnik space race (along with more important things). My wife asked me what this MST was about, and I told her it's a movie that would've scared the nationalist cop who pulls over the film's three heroines.

And on the subject of Sputnik, Mike shows up in the hexfield again, with two robots of his own (though they aren't good for much). I also enjoyed the host segment about the McCarthy hearings -- the Charlie McCarthy hearings. And I loved the obscurity of this episode's Python reference, and the really dark joke about the set of The Conqueror.

This is my second episode in a row to feature jokes about: Dune ("I will KILL him!"), Airport, Roddy McDowall, "Let's get out of here, Scooby!", I Love Lucy, The Little Rascals, John Mellencamp, Zack Norman, and callbacks to Robot Holocaust. It's also the first-ever episode to have a stinger.

Bonus feature alert: The disc has a short interview with Trace, as he tells us about his life after MST3K. I'm still amazed he auditioned for Jar-Jar.

A joke that didn't age particularly well: "Mallory?" "Yes, Alex?"
A joke I had to look up: "It's Wheeler and Woolsey!"
My favorite joke: "It's hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others." "That's why we've got to CRUSH THEM!"
Overall, I rate this 8/10. The original movie is a little dull in spots, but the MSTers have nothing to apologize for.

Next, it's #310, Fugitive Alien.

MST3K #203: Jungle Goddess

It's Episode #203, with a Bela Lugosi serial and a racist, sexist story about white men in Africa.

It's a new season (for me, anyway), and the first chapter of a new serial. Bela plays a mad scientist who's invented a giant robot, an invisibility belt, and an exploding-spider/coma-inducer. Unlike the mad scientist in Mad Monster, he's unpatriotic and will gladly sell his inventions to America's enemies! (It's set in 1939, so I'm pretty sure that means ze Germans. Apparently the spies actually show up in later chapters, so I might know soon if I'm right.)

This serial reuses (to no particular effect) Franz Waxman's iconic, brilliant score from Bride of Frankenstein. Bela makes a great mad scientist, though he doesn't talk about his idea for "a rice of pipples" here.

Sidebar: I'm catching up on my podcasts, and just got around to hearing the Movie Sign With The Mads episode about Ed Wood. It's a discussion podcast, not a performance podcast, but I was still surprised I didn't get to hear Trace do his Bela impression. It's still good fun, though, and I love hearing Trace and Frank (and Carolina! Hi, Carolina!) chew over the great and not-so-great movies.

 

Then, our feature presentation. It's a pretty offensive thing, with Filipino and Mexican actors playing African natives (I guess I should just be glad they didn't black up for their scenes, but that's small comfort). When a Danish heiress crashes into the jungle, she's worshipped as a goddess by the "primitive, childlike" (her words) natives, and she spends at least six years there, befriending the only other woman and being waited on hand and foot. Everything about the representation of the natives is pretty awful, and that makes the whole movie terrible. Sure, it's a similar type of representation as parts of the original King Kong (one bit actor from that plays a bit part here), but the natives appear in nearly this whole movie. That really rubs in just how little Hollywood cared to learn about Africa. Joel and the bots don't particularly call the movie out on this, either, which seems like a bad choice. There are plenty of ways to be funny at the movie's expense about this. (I also get a bad taste in my mouth when Gypsy shows up with a bone in her... flashlight.) The movie is also pretty sexist, and the boy's club that was the MST writer's room at the time doesn't particularly call that out either.

The two white men in the film are Superman and Dick Tracy, though only George Reeves' character is really a hero; Ralph Byrd is a murderous chiseler, ready to abandon his partner at the first chance. (I love the run of jokes about him murdering monkeys and coconuts, etc.) It's a welcome relief when he gets a spear to the back, though I wish Reeve didn't shoot the native who dispatched him. (But then, white men always stick up for each other, even if they were literally fighting each other to the death 30 seconds earlier.)

"Whoa, huge slam on Lucy out of nowhere!"

I enjoy the use of unrelated stock footage of wildlife, and the "binocular" device used to slot it into the film. It wasn't until I saw the host segment making fun of the use of camera gobos that I realized I wasn't watching this episode for the first time. (For those of you keeping track at home, this is only the second episode from my binge that I've seen before, and this might be the first episode I saw as a young person.) This is a perfect reversal of the lecture-type host segments from Season One. It starts out like a lecture, but quickly becomes a breakneck series of jokes.

And, hey, it's TV's Frank! He's arrived, even if Dr. Forrester isn't experimenting on him yet. And Kevin's here too! It's only their third episode, but they already inhabit their roles perfectly. (Plus, I get to hear multi-tracked Kevin sing in the final host sketch.)

This is my second episode in a row to reference (deep breath): The Wisconsin Dells, Dune, Sabu, Adolphe Menjou, GI Joe, Gary Crosby, and even the urban legend of The Hook. It also has two Python references in five minutes, and I got references to Rocky and Bullwinkle and The Muppets to delight my soul.

Bonus feature alert: DVD viewers get a short history of Turkey Day, and an intro Joel did for a recent Turkey Day marathon. Also, before I watched this, I dialed up the first five minutes of #201, just to see the milk-carton farewell to Larry and Frank's introduction.

A reference I had to look up: "Where's Ted Bessell?"
A joke that didn't age well: “Have a drink." "We haven’t got time.” "We don’t fly Northwest."
My favorite joke: "I'd stake my life on it." "That's already in the kitty, Bob."
Overall, I rate this: 7/10. The riffs are on point, and the sketches are nearly at their peak. It'd probably go up to 8/10 if they called the movie out on its racism and sexism.

Up next, #205, Rocket Attack USA (and the second chapter of Phantom Creeps).

MST3K #109: Project Moonbase

It's #109, with twice the Cody, and eight times the sexism!

When Joel and the bots find out they have two chapters with Cody this week, they... react badly, and I don't blame them. He's wearing thin on me, and I only have to watch each one once. And I skipped more than half!

I do like Joel's props in this short, where he holds up Batman-style words like "Biff" and "Pow," during the obligatory fistfight. (For a civilization with advanced radar guns, the moonmen sure do suffer a lot of fistfights.)

And during the second title sequence, they're so sick of writing credit gags they come up with a theme song for Cody, sung vaguely toward the tune of the underscore. This became a MST staple, and the first one is good right off the bat.

(Did I mention how much I love to hear Tom sing?)

And speaking of firsts, this also hears our first mention of "Slowly I turned..."

I'm so glad this is my last taste of Cody for now. (Until, that is, Shout! Factory decides to put out a bonus disc with the complete Commando Cody adventures. No reason not to, since the films are public domain.)

On the other hand, Cody is just dull and silly, and he doesn't make my skin crawl. The movie this week, though, wow. It's supposedly based on a story by Robert Heinlein, back before he thought even a little bit about women and sexism (even his later, more nuanced things aren't particularly great on that front).

I feel all icky after this one, watching a supposedly-professional woman cower at danger (she's a colonel for god's sake!). We also have to see her commanding officer threaten to spank her. Then she's married off to some meathead so America's morals won't be threatened by two grown adults shacking up on the moon. It's all so demeaning, and even the final twist (the president is -- get this! -- a WOMAN!!!!) is more a tasteless joke than forward-thinking futurism.

Let's try to move on. The so-called plot of this one is that dirty commies are trying to destroy America's space station, so they kidnap a scientist, and replace him with a double. The intrigue feels paper-thin, and the plot falls prey almost immediately to that old gag where the spy doesn't care about his "local" baseball team. (In this case, it's the 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers - "Oh, this is the future when they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn.")

The movie wants to be a serious, hard-science film. But it spends too much time on silly spy plots and cliche romance, and doesn't even bother to pretend that the models demonstrated early in the film aren't being used for the miniature shots a few minutes later.

This episode is dedicated to the memory of Alan Hale Jr. (who died just four days before it aired), who would show up in two later episodes, Angels' Revenge and The Giant Spider Invasion. (I'm not watching either of them this year, but Spider Invasion is the grimiest, ickiest film I'd ever seen on MST until this one.)

Bonus feature alert: There's a nice interview with Jeff Stonehouse, who was the show's DP for 3 seasons and a movie. I'm not sure why that bonus is on this disk (in fact, this box was all Joel eps, and Jeff wasn't there during Joel's years), but it's a nice brief memory of his time on the show. He was there during the great lighting-change in season 7 or so (when all of a sudden, lighting got a lot more important, and a lot more colorful). I've seen and heard a lot of interviews with the cast and crew before, but I don't remember hearing from Jeff before, and it's nice to add his voice to the history.

A reference I just don't get (write in if you know it): "This thing's full of candy! Watch what I can do with it."
A joke that didn't age well: "I see a thousand points of light."
A joke I had to look up: "Ooh, radishes." (Apparently they cause gas, which I did NOT know. Lots of flatulence jokes in this one.)
My favorite bit is the run of model jokes: "Space station," "Or, frisbee."

Odds I'll watch this again: 1/10. I feel bad as a male, a sci-fi fan, and a human being having to watch this one.
Overall, I rate this 3/10. The riffing is pretty fast and solid, but there are oh so many episodes without the ick factor.

Up next is #112, Untamed Youth.