MST3K #412: Hercules and the Captive Women

It's #412, wherein Hercules rescues a captive woman. Just one.

This film is dedicated to Uranus

For Gypsy's first real riffing experience, our film is... weird. It's got huge production value, a silly script, and poor editing. ("Can God Himself make a plot so complicated that even He can't comprehend it?") This is like the eighth Hercules movie the crew had to sit through, and I know I've seen a bunch of them. I can't remember a single thing about the others, and I don't know how much of this one I'll remember either.

Herc fights a terrible lizard

Well, okay. I'll probably remember the scene where they clearly reuse an old dinosaur costume from another film. I was never a big fan of ancient myths, and I can't necessarily explain the difference between Zeus and Poseidon. So let's just say I'm not a fan of the franchise, and don't have much emotional investment in the characters. The idea that Hercules personally destroyed Atlantis is interesting, I guess. This film is goofy, but even its goofiness is kind of boring. I don't know that I'd ever want to watch it again, or any of the other Hercules MST episodes for that matter.

Sidebar: I have a bad habit of needing a nap halfway through the dullest MST films, and I probably could've dozed off during this one. Maybe that's why I'm so cranky. ...either that, or I'm jealous of all the naps Hercules takes as the plot unfolds around him.

The aftermath of good-natured brawling

And apart from Gypsy making a decent joke in the theater ("They're steam-cleaning the horses!") there's not much memorable in the riff department either. I enjoyed all the softballs the movie threw about Uranus, and how the gang reply to them. It's nice to have the clump of sugar cereal jokes (for unrelated reasons, they call out Lucky Charms, Captain Crunch, and Cocoa Puffs), and this is my first time hearing "Jim Henson's Fill-In-The-Blank Babies" during the binge.

This is my second episode in a row to reference: "Don't take the brown acid," The Six Million Dollar Man, The Marx Brothers, "John And Marsha," "Attica Attica Attica," Indiana Jones, Tahitian Treat, and The Flintstones. And it's my third time hearing about: The Rockford Files, The Simpsons, Gymkata, "Hooker was a good cop!," Blazing Saddles, and Prince.

Bonus feature alert: We get a nice feature on all the Shout! Factory poster art from Steve Vance, and Joel introduces the film.

A joke I had to look up: "We love you Conrad, oh yes we do." (Bye Bye Birdie is on my to-watch list, honest.)
My favorite joke in this one: "Tonight's Episode: Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill To Fetch a Pail of MURDER!"
Overall, I rate this one: 5/10. The jokes are good, but the dull movie just killed my joy.

Next, it's #413, Manhunt In Space.

MST3K #102: The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

In my MST3K binge this year, #102 is the first episode I've seen before. In fact, I taped it off Comedy Central waaaaay back in the day. (Not from The Comedy Channel, mind you -- I have a vague recollection that at the time, the season one shows weren't rerun at the request of Best Brains, and CC's decision to reair the rare early shows was met with some skepticism from the fandom, possibly because of CC's tonedeaf promos.) It's got a lot of great early jokes, like Joel explaining serials to the bots ("Why would someone go see part of a movie?") and some reused stuff from KTMA host segments. Let's dig in.

After Joel reuses an invention exchange from the first episode (and a staple of his standup act, and also a real thing apparently), it's time for the first-ever MST'd short. Commando Cody fights Radar Men from the Moon, or something. This also sees our first example of "New Petitions Against Tax." This is the second episode in a row where I've heard a joke about Jackie Gleason's face on the moon, and also "Jane, stop this crazy thing!"

The feature film is only about a third of a movie, really. It's nearly all talky framing scenes with flashbacks from the first two movies in its series, and the titular fight takes about two minutes. It's kind of a dull slog, honestly. I know this is at least the third time I've seen this episode, but my brain simply won't retain this film. (Maybe it's a self-protective mechanism.)

A few stray observations: This episode has a few jokes the crew apologized for later, where they messed with the film's audio. Joel covers a singer's mouth, and the sound is muffled. They also dubbed in the sound of micturation.

Why on earth would the mummy fear a cross? Unless he died in the last decade of the Aztec era, he would have no conception of the symbol. It's almost like the filmmakers cared for historical accuracy as little as they cared for effective storytelling.

I'm a little tired of Jerry Lewis impressions (maybe because I can't imagine a better one than Paul Rugg on Animaniacs), but I adore the time Trace spent doing Dean Martin here.

The other reused host segment idea is the demon dogs from K02, who have an expanded role in this show (giving us our second and third urine jokes in 90 minutes). One dog even shows up in the theater, becoming the first of many guests to appear in silhouette form. (If you want your own demon dog, there are plenty of the toys Joel used as the basis available.)

Bonus alert: The DVD includes a bonus feature of some short host segments from KTMA, including a short scene with Beeper, Tom Servo's ill-fated predecessor.

Coming up next, #103: The Mad Monster!

A joke that didn't age particularly well: "The evil judge Robert Bork." (I can't imagine it being phrased that way later, especially not in the new season.)
My favorite joke in this episode: "This is the city. Mexico. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge. I don’t need no stinking badge."
The odds I'll watch this one again: 2/10. It's not bad, but I haven't seen half of season one even once.
Overall, I rate this one 5/10. Sure, it's early, but the show is nearly fully-formed at this point. The worst part about this episode is the dullness of the movie.

Christmas With Dave Foley #2: Kids in the Hall "Bellini Day"

I'm not doing this series in strictly chronological order, so our next thing, randomly chosen, is a holiday sketch I adore.

This won't make a lot of sense if you haven't seen a lot of Kids In The Hall, or at least enough to know the recurring use of writer Paul Bellini as a silent, bizarre absurdity. (If you're not familiar, stick around after the sketch to hear Dave and Kevin explain a little of that history.)

Obviously, the unnecessary slam on religion is a memorable part of this sketch, and I can imagine that putting a lot of people off. But it's by no means the most heretical thing the Kids ever did, and the way Mark overplays it makes it funny, even the third time it happens.

I've always loved Bruce's kid characters, and his clueless laughter at 1:18 gives me life. Of course, we're nominally here for Dave, and he shows up in the mostly thankless role of dutiful mother (though he gets to show some leg, and even a stylish hairdo).

I'd hoped to find enough Christmassy or winter-themed KITH sketches to make 15 or 20 minutes into a compilation, but this and the next sketch I post will have to do. Sorry.

As a KITH sketch, I rate this 7/10. It's too inside for people who aren't familiar with the show, though it works hard to reach the heights of absurdity the show consistently depended on.
As a Christmas sketch, I rate this 9/10. It has all the hallmarks of an old-fashioned "true meaning of Christmas" scene, with everything twisted a little to make it hilarious.
As a scene for Dave, I rate this 5/10. Mom is kinda one-note, and even her hair is overshadowed by everything else around.

The Exorcist (1973)

I think I've mentioned before that my knowledge of horror is almost all self-directed, so I haven't seen a lot of the best or most-respected movies, or read a lot of the best books. Until this year, I had never seen this film, usually voted one of the scariest movies of all time. I saw the director's 2000 recut of the film, and it sounds like most of his changes made the movie worse, rather than better. 

I don't believe in demons, possession, spooks, haints, ghosts, or exorcism. This is probably the main reason I didn't find the movie particularly gripping or scary. (Sorry, fans of this movie. Nothing personal.) I can usually turn off, or at least ignore, my skeptical brain while watching fantasy or horror movies, but this film's insistence that it's kinda-sorta based on a true story rubbed me the wrong way (also why I have never seen The Amityville Horror). Let's be clear: exorcism isn't real. It does real-life harm to real-life people, and I can't separate that real-life pain from the escapist fun I should have from a genre movie.

With all that said, I did find a lot of the movie unsettling and shocking, even if it didn't scare me. The sedate opening surprised me by its placid slowness, though some of the rougher, later edits unsettled me and surprised me more. Individual pieces of the movie are shocking, and some of them are effective emotional assaults. I couldn't help but feel the mother's pain and frustration during the first part of the film, though the later torturous excesses shut down my emotions. I still found myself responding, from time to time, from my lizard-brain instincts -- a good trick in a good film. Here, I just felt cheated and almost condescended to by the film. 

So many parts of this film have become culturally-known, of course, that I had their surprises spoiled through osmosis. It would be interesting to have seen the movie, not knowing what Father Karras's mother is alleged to be doing in hell, or to be taken aback by the vomit and head-spinning. That is no fault of the movie, of course, but I'm not sure how much more pleasure I could have gotten from those scenes anyway. Would the movie have been more shocking? Yes. Better? Not to me, no.

I haven't yet heard a review of the new TV show based on this movie (though I can't imagine I'd be interested in seeing it). Apparently, this year there's also a house at Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights based on this, which is rumored to be more conceptual and sounds at least intriguing. This idea feels (to me) better suited to a jump-scare gross-out theme park attraction than a feature film.

The Jim Henson Hour #3b: The Soldier and Death

This is the second Storyteller episode directed by Jim Henson, and it's one of the darkest and the funniest. "The Soldier and Death" is based on this Russian folktale, though it also contains elements of this story from the Grimm Brothers.

The star of this episode is the titular soldier. (That's an actor named Bob Peck. If he looks familiar, well, he probably is. Clever you.) He's fought in the wars for 20 years, and is down to his last three biscuits, far from home. His kindness leads him to give away his biscuits, though he's rewarded with a nice whistle and a joyful dance for each of the first two. The last gets him an empty pocket, a winning deck of cards, and a magical sack. He's able to use the sack to trap three geese, which he trades for a bed at an inn. (Folktales work strictly on the barter system, you see.)

After his rest is complete, he notices a rundown castle, and is told it's infested with devils. Our brave soldier isn't scared of a few devils, and after all, he has a magic deck of cards. Not to mention that sack.

The soldier breaks out his cards, and the demons gamble away all their gold. After they've lost their last coin, the fuming devils decide to kill and eat the soldier. Instead, he orders them into his sack, and bashes them around a bit. (Much less so than in the original folktale, where he calls a pair of blacksmiths to beat them on an anvil!) He lets them go, in exchange for a promise to stay away, and steals the hoof of the last one, threatening to call it into service in the future.

Sidebar: This is not an original thought with me, but those demons are the best part of this story. The puppets are all elaborate and complex -- watch how they sneer and blink and smoke. Each one is unique. It's a shame these puppets were only onscreen a few minutes; they could clearly carry their own show. Oh, and they're funny. Did I mention they're pretty funny?

The soldier slowly spends his new gold, and over time gets a wife and child, in that order. However, the child falls sick, and the soldier calls "his" demon, the one he enslaved, and orders it to cure his child. The demon trades him a magical glass for its freedom, one which lets the soldier see Death and know its ways.

So now the soldier-turned-lord turns healer, and travels the land, healing those who can be healed. Soon the tsar becomes ill, and our hero sees through the glass that Death will not relinquish the tsar. The soldier offers to trade his life for that of the tsar, and Death accepts. But our sneaky soldier still has his magical sack, and captures Death.

This is the most profound addition to the old folktale, as the Storyteller draws us pictures of the world without Death, using both broad strokes and fine ones to ground the fantasy. No one, and nothing, dies. Old people wander the earth, broken-down and useless, and the soldier is moved to release Death once again. Death, terrified, refuses to take him, so the soldier attempts to enter Hell. The demons, of course, don't want anything to do with the soldier or his sack, and give him 200 sinful souls to go away. (Barter!) The soldier ferries the souls to heaven, in an attempt to redeem his own sins, but the Holy Gatekeeper there (the original folktale quotes God himself, but this wisely doesn't show that) won't let him in there either. To paraphrase Tom Waits, Hell doesn't want the soldier, and Heaven is full. So our traveling soldier travels more, wandering the earth to this day, probably.

There are a couple of dissolves in this story, from the face of the soldier to the face of the Storyteller. On the third or so viewing, I began to wonder: could the immortal soldier, master of improvisation, have become the Storyteller? After all, the Storyteller wears the regimental insignia of the soldier, and owns his magical glass, and his sack. The story is "ancient, antique," the Storyteller says. While the two are clearly played by different actors, if the story happened several hundred years ago, the soldier's ears and nose could easily have kept growing (with plenty of time for "A Story Short" to happen in the meantime). I doubt there's any evidence outside this episode to support my wild theory, and I seem to recall other artifacts from other stories showing up in the Storyteller's hands.

(While we're discussing wild theories, here's one which is completely insupportable: What if the dog is immortal, too? He is able to supply a Greek phrase at will, and he also appeared in the Greek Myths series with a different Storyteller. What if this series takes place several thousand years after the Greek Myths series, before the soldier/Storyteller even set out for his first Russian battle???)

Oh, and speaking of dogs, our next episode is Dog City! I love Rowlf, and I'm really looking forward to rewatching that one. (First, I have tonight's episode of the new Muppet show, and a TV movie with turkey monsters or some damn thing, but I don't think I'll write about that. So weird.)

A Spoopy Month #4: Hell's Bells

So the fourth Silly Symphony is set in hell. Let's watch it together, shall we?

This is, well, amazing. Of the first four Silly Symphonies, fully half of them are Halloweeny, with skeletons and demons and bats and giant spiders and whatnot. These days, when most people think of Disney, they think of safe, family-friendly pablum. (This obviously isn't completely correct; the current run of Mickey cartoons are hilarious and irreverent.) But 85 years ago, the company was just struggling to come up with interesting ideas, and they put out 75 Silly Symphonies over a ten-year period (when they were also making Mickey cartoons and, eventually, the world's first full-length fully animated film). They used the shorts as a testing ground to try out effects and storytelling techniques, and even new technology (like Technicolor and the multiplane camera).

So like "Skeleton Dance," this begins with some scary animals setting the scene before our more anthropomorphic protagonists take over. I like that hell seems to have all manner of demonic animals, which can change shape if they eat something different, or give fiery milk.

And speaking of changing shapes, I really enjoy this fella here, who these days I can only think of as an 8-bit demon:

I'm still a little suprised at this cartoon, for two reasons: Number one, the more obvious one, is that it's set IN HELL. The second one is a bit less obvious: I think Satan just died, y'all. At the very least, what we've seen here is an uprising in one particular cavern of hell, Way to go, tiny smart demon!

25 Days of Christmas #10a: "Secret Santa"

Hey, it's my favorite 30 Rock Christmas episode. It's "Secret Santa"!

Kenneth is once again doing his Secret Santa gift-exchanging game (I love the scene where he explains the rules, calling back to last Christmas's game of "murder"), and Frank, Toofer, and Lutz are about to be roped in. Thinking on their feet, they invent their own new religion, Verdukianism, which precludes their involvement in Kenneth's game. They make up ridiculous rules and demands, and Tracy calls them on it. (Since when is Tracy Jordan the moral center of any story?) Kenneth is so upset at the idea that men can just invent religion that he loses, for the first time ever, his Christmas spirit.

Meanwhile, Jack's high school crush, Nancy Donovan, is in town, and they reconnect quickly, considering she's still still sorta married. And, at the same time, Liz is desperately trying to find Jack an appropriate Christmas gift. After she makes an expensive goof, Jack suggests they should instead give each other no-cost gifts. Liz makes a living being creative, so that should be right up her alley, right? Well...

Oh, and Pete has a story in this Christmas episode too. Jenna never chips in for the janitorial staff's gift, and he's upset about it. When he hears Danny, the new cast member, sing ("New dude is as good at singing as Tracy Jordan is at everything!"), he immediately drafts him to take over Jenna's traditional Christmas solo. Jenna... doesn't take it well.

In the end, Danny botches the song to mend Jenna's feelings, and Jack gives Liz a memento of her ridiculous school play, and also a date with Larry Wilcox, from CHIPS. Liz's gift to Jack is a terrorist threat which:
A) Strands Nancy in New York an extra day, so she and Jack can share a kiss, and
B) Gets the Verdukian writers arrested and/or tazed in front of Kenneth, restoring his faith in his angry, vengeful God.

The Simpsons is a show wherein God takes part in human affairs a LOT -- usually to punish someone, and that someone's usually Homer. 30 Rock isn't often a show where events show the hand of God, but in this episode, good intentions lead to good rewards, and bad intentions lead to punishment. Even though Liz does a terrible thing for Jack's gift, her intentions were pure, and her punishment goes to the selfish writers. Pete's insistence on Christmas vengeance not only backfires, but (if he still cares) it makes his decision to let Danny sing on-air look foolish.

As an episode of 30 Rock, I rate this 9/10. Every cast member has something to do in this episode, all the stories are well-connected, and the jokes are spot-on. Plus, they produce a show that week!
As a Christmas show, I rate this 10/10. Generosity is rewarded, selfishness is punished, and Kenneth gets to keep his faith. There's a loving duet sung, and music is important in Christmas episodes.

Secret Santa  30 Rock: Season 4

25 Days of Christmas #5a: "She of Little Faith"

Still behind schedule, but still plugging along. Here's the next episode I watched: "She of Little Faith."

Inspired by watching a movie quite like Plan Nine From Outer Space, Bart and Homer launch a series of rockets, one of which ends up destroying The First Church of Springfield. The church, in desperate need of funds, turns to Mr. Burns, who sells adspace and sets up moneychangers in the church. (Speaking of which, if you're buying anything on Amazon today, click through on my link first, and I might make a few pennies. Thanks!) Fed up with the materialism, Lisa storms out of the church and goes seeking a new path to God.

She finds herself in a Buddhist temple, where Richard Gere schools her on the faith, and its nonmaterialist stance. Lisa soon pronounces herself a Buddhist, which naturally upsets her parents. Well, okay, Homer's upset because Bart isn't buttering his bacon, but Marge is distraught. Soon, Christmas comes, and Marge hopes that a few well-placed bribes will accomplish what maternal guilt cannot.

Lisa can't take the bribe, though, and storms off again to the temple. Luckily, Richard Gere points out that Buddhism doesn't forbid celebrating Christmas, and Lisa's free to spend the day with her family.

Religious observances are full of danger for those of us who have changed faiths. Many of the joys of Christmas come from ritual and tradition, but family rituals can be upset if a member stops participating in some or all of the fun. Families can build up new traditions, and retain the nonreligious ones (my mother and I are picking out her tree this week, for about the tenth year in a row), without forcing anyone to compromise their own beliefs. Of course, this takes time, and the balancing act is hard from both sides. The good news is, Christmas is also about love and understanding, and time spent with family can be done lots of different ways. I'm lucky that, despite my retail work-schedule, I get to spend lots of time with my family, close and extended, friends and in-laws, over the next month. And for me, that makes a Merry Christmas. I can only wish the same for you, dear reader: may your holiday, whatever it is, be filled with love and friendship.

As an episode of The Simpsons, I rate this 9/10. It's a lasting character enrichment, with a complex, funny story to tell.
As a Christmas show, I rate this 7/10. It's this low only because the first half of the episode doesn't seem to take place at Christmastime, with no snow or songs or mentions of the holiday.

The Simpsons - Christmas  The Simpsons: Season 13

25 Days of Christmas #1: Due South: "The Gift of the Wheelman"

One of my favorite Christmas TV episodes of all time is Due South Episode #110, "Gift of the Wheelman." I wrote a long, impassioned review of this in 2003, which was lost in the great Geocities purge a short time later. I'll attempt to recreate my original thoughts and amplify and update them a little.

If you haven't paid attention to the episode's title and Christmas setting, perhaps the screencap above, from one of the first shots of this episode, will tell you a bit about this story. To begin with, Due South was a cop dramedy about mismatched partners: one polite, earnest Mountie and his rule-bending Chicago buddy. Due South also addresses many other topics, but a frequent motif is relationships between fathers and sons; this episode may be the epitome of that motif.


Warning -- the rest of this review is intensely spoileriffic!



The story of the week (featuring future Haggis-collaborator Ryan Phillippe) recasts O. Henry's "The Gift of the Magi" into a parental framework, and weaves in a crime tale from an old folk song, "Henry Martin," about a man who turns to crime to support his family. The father plans to sacrifice his own life to provide for his son's material needs, while the son has no interest in any presents but his father's, ahem, presence.

The father in our story is named William Sydney Porter, just to make sure you're paying attention, and he is an aspiring writer. He's come up with a clever plan, quite possibly borrowed from one of his stories (we see a manuscript titled "Killer Blow" lying around) to burn up his vicious bosses, the Donnellys. (It should be noted that Paul Haggis is from London, Ontario, and knows a thing or two about criminal Donnellys who would be terrified of fire, even just fire alarms.) In the blaze, he plans to hide his own embezzlement of the proceeds of the opening bankjob, which he could then pass on to his son, who only wants his father to stick around and keep writing. William is finally convinced by our Mountie hero, Constable Benton Fraser, that while it may be good to GIVE one's life for another, it's far better to LIVE one's life for the sake of another. 

Let's back up a bit: Paul Haggis, the writer of Million Dollar Baby and Crash, was raised in the Catholic church, but considered himself an atheist for much of his young life. (Please don't think I'm ignoring Haggis's then-belief in Scientology -- it just doesn't have a lot to do with this specific episode.)   He created this series, and wrote this episode, so we can credit most of the creative choices made here to his leadership. I read this episode as a humanist commentary on Christ's self-sacrifice. As Fraser points out in this show, a father has many duties to his children. One of the most important to just to be with them, to provide examples of ethical living and humane treatment. When Christ gave His life on the cross, He decided to abdicate that part of His fatherly responsibilities to humanity. Don't get me wrong; I love Jesus. He's humble and sweet, smart and loveable. But wouldn't it have been better for humanity if Jesus HADN'T left? Just imagine us, the same people 2000 years on, but the world's sweetest dude is hanging out with us through the generations, washing our feet and gently reminding us of our moral duties? William Porter, the father in our story, is a writer. He's chosen an intricate, highly dramatic plan to provide for his son. While his son respects his writerly ambitions, he'd much rather have Dad around all the time.

And let's leave those heady thoughts for a moment, to deal with the heroes of our story. Benton Fraser is trying to solve a bank robbery, in the company of Chicago Detective Ray Vecchio. The robbers dressed as Santas for their December 24th crime, and a dragnet of the city's Santas is throwing both the city and the squadroom into an uproar. Elves and reindeer have also been collected, but that melting-pot of holiday madness is nothing compared to what's going on in Fraser's head: his own father is back.

Fraser, Sr, was dead: to begin with. There was no doubt whatsoever about that. Old Fraser was dead as a doornail. Benton has been reading his father's journals (his father was emotionally distant, and often physically distant while chasing down his own cases for the RCMP -- Benton's feeling a lot closer to his father thanks to the journals) and this night, Fraser, Sr, manifests himself as a ghostly presence for the first time, to guide and teach his son. (There's a possibility in this episode that Fraser, Sr, is just a hallucination, but later episodes pretty much confirm his reality.)

Fraser's desperate need for closeness with his father, of course, spurs his need to help the Porter family in this episode, but it also deepens his own character. The rather obvious framework of this series as a whole (Mismatched buddy cops! The polite one's Canadian! And he's a fish out of water!) is belied by the consistent depth of characterization and use of allegory and reference.

The story of how Benton come to Chicago on the trail of his father's killers, and how he deals with the specter of his father (in all senses of that word) is the overarching structure of this series. I don't think it's overstating the case to say that, especially near religious holidays, how humans deal with their spiritual beliefs and lack thereof can be the overarching structure of our emotional lives. Christmas TV deals with religious themes all the time, and I love a lot of it even when I don't agree with the conclusions therein.

It seems to me that, in the historical narrative of Paul Haggis, Due South frequently gets short shrift, maybe because it's so obviously genre-based. If this review has descended into high praise of the series, so be it. I loved Crash, but I think about Due South so much more; it takes up much more headspace for me and a lot of my friends. Oh, and it's funnier -- did I mention the Elvises who were collected instead of elves?

As an episode of Due South, I rate this 10/10.
As a Christmas story, I rate this 10/10.
I can understand why these ratings might seem overstated, but later reviews will vary wildly; I just wanted to start this series of viewing (and reviews) with something truly excellent. I'm planning to spend the next twenty-something days watching Christmas TV. I've got another Christmas Due South up next. Stay tuned.

Due South: The Ultimate Collection - Three Complete Seasons