MST3K #412: Hercules and the Captive Women

It's #412, wherein Hercules rescues a captive woman. Just one.

This film is dedicated to Uranus

For Gypsy's first real riffing experience, our film is... weird. It's got huge production value, a silly script, and poor editing. ("Can God Himself make a plot so complicated that even He can't comprehend it?") This is like the eighth Hercules movie the crew had to sit through, and I know I've seen a bunch of them. I can't remember a single thing about the others, and I don't know how much of this one I'll remember either.

Herc fights a terrible lizard

Well, okay. I'll probably remember the scene where they clearly reuse an old dinosaur costume from another film. I was never a big fan of ancient myths, and I can't necessarily explain the difference between Zeus and Poseidon. So let's just say I'm not a fan of the franchise, and don't have much emotional investment in the characters. The idea that Hercules personally destroyed Atlantis is interesting, I guess. This film is goofy, but even its goofiness is kind of boring. I don't know that I'd ever want to watch it again, or any of the other Hercules MST episodes for that matter.

Sidebar: I have a bad habit of needing a nap halfway through the dullest MST films, and I probably could've dozed off during this one. Maybe that's why I'm so cranky. ...either that, or I'm jealous of all the naps Hercules takes as the plot unfolds around him.

The aftermath of good-natured brawling

And apart from Gypsy making a decent joke in the theater ("They're steam-cleaning the horses!") there's not much memorable in the riff department either. I enjoyed all the softballs the movie threw about Uranus, and how the gang reply to them. It's nice to have the clump of sugar cereal jokes (for unrelated reasons, they call out Lucky Charms, Captain Crunch, and Cocoa Puffs), and this is my first time hearing "Jim Henson's Fill-In-The-Blank Babies" during the binge.

This is my second episode in a row to reference: "Don't take the brown acid," The Six Million Dollar Man, The Marx Brothers, "John And Marsha," "Attica Attica Attica," Indiana Jones, Tahitian Treat, and The Flintstones. And it's my third time hearing about: The Rockford Files, The Simpsons, Gymkata, "Hooker was a good cop!," Blazing Saddles, and Prince.

Bonus feature alert: We get a nice feature on all the Shout! Factory poster art from Steve Vance, and Joel introduces the film.

A joke I had to look up: "We love you Conrad, oh yes we do." (Bye Bye Birdie is on my to-watch list, honest.)
My favorite joke in this one: "Tonight's Episode: Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill To Fetch a Pail of MURDER!"
Overall, I rate this one: 5/10. The jokes are good, but the dull movie just killed my joy.

Next, it's #413, Manhunt In Space.

A Spoopy Month #9: More rehashed reviews

October 24, 2014:

Whoops, I missed my movie review yesterday. I'll try to squeeze in two today. The good news is, you've at least heard of both of them! In fact, we watched The Corpse Bride at Movie Night ages ago, though I didn't remember much of it. So I rewatched it.
I think I liked it a lot more the second time, though I still won't give Tim Burton any more credit as an original filmmaker, since this one is so incredibly similar to Nightmare Before Christmas.
I can't help but watch this and think of Tim Burton's personal life -- I'm surprised he didn't cast Helena Bonham Carter as the living girl, and Lisa Marie as the title character...

October 25, 2014:

So speaking of stop-motion animation, I next decided to rewatch one of the first stop-motion movies. King Kong wasn't the first (the same effects team worked on a 1925 film of Doyle's The Lost World), but it was the best. And, in many ways, it's still one of the most ground-breaking effects films ever. The team invented several important processes to marry stop-motion to live action film, in several different ways.
You all know I'm a big audio commentary nerd, and this was the very first movie ever to have a running audio commentary, thirty years ago! I haven't seen either of the remakes of this, but I'm strongly considering the 2005 version.
...and ten years later, the same studio, RKO, was still using a lot of the painted jungle backdrops from this movie. At least one appeared in I Walked With A Zombie.

October 25, 2014:

The Atomic Brain (AKA Monstrosity) is currently rated on IMDB as the 98th worst movie of all time. I think that's about right. [This is 2015 Mark breaking in to tell you this is no longer true. It's been upvoted in the last year, and no longer appears on the Bottom 100.] The movie concerns a prototypical mad scientist, who wants to expand the field of human transplantation, so he's been putting animal brains into people. He's got a guy with a dog brain, a lady with a cat brain, and at the end a cat with a lady brain (the physical size of the brain doesn't appear to matter -- he's such a good doctor he can fit a whole human brain into a cat's skull!). His old, rich employer, has hired three unsuspecting young ladies to have her brain implanted into them -- um, to clean her house.
This movie completes my trilogy of films featuring Americans doing horrible British accents -- the lady in this movie appears to forget at times she's supposed to be British. Really, the old lady from this movie was in Mary Poppins the next year, and Dick Van Dyke seems like a master of dialect compared to the actress from The Atomic Brain.
I'm kind of embarrassed, actually. I watched this whole thing without realizing it was on Mystery Science Theater. And that I'd seen the MST3K version. And that I owned it on DVD. And so I rewatched the MST version, and could only remember having seen a few of the host sequences... Anyway, it's in the public domain, so if you wanna watch it, there's a link at the bottom of that Wikipedia page.

October 26, 2015:

Night Tide. He was a sailor; she was a mermaid. Well, maybe she was.
This is the most surprising movie I've watched all month: it's certainly atmospheric, and it has a few "eerie, strange, macabre" scenes (to quote the poster), but it's neither a horror movie nor a monster movie. It's a pretty effective story, methinks, and this is one of the two new-to-me movies from this month I'll gladly watch again (the other is I Walked With A Zombie).
This has a few familiar faces in it: besides a young, fresh-faced Dennis Hopper, the evil old lady from The Atomic Brain plays a really sympathetic (and really accurate) fortuneteller, and Vincent Price's sister from Pit and The Pendulum is a sweet merry-go-round operator and dispenser of endless cups of coffee.
Almost the entirety of the action takes place on the Santa Monica Boardwalk, so this movie acts as a great time capsule of that place and time. Again, this one is in the public domain, and the bottom of that Wikipedia page has a link to watch it. This one's worth it.

Stay tuned, folks: our next capsule reviews include two vampire movies, a dreadful Disney family film, and a killer clown.

A Spoopy Month #3: Some capsule reviews, part one

So this blog really started last October, when I watched 20 horror movies and posted capsule reviews for my close friends on Facebook. I didn't actually start this blog officially till December, but the reviews of Christmas TV were inspired by my enjoyment of reviewing stuff again. So I'm gonna repost those here. These are all short, so I'll post a handful at a time till I run out.


Oct 15, 2014:

I've been watching a lot of horror movies this October. I'll talk about one a day till the end of the month. I finally rewatched The Cabin in the Woods, off my new Bluray of it, and I think the second viewing is just as good as the first. That's a movie that will live in my head forever. Is it a metaphor for our military complex, or just a loving hate-letter to slasher movies? Me, I think it's a metaphor for our stupid lizard brains, the ones that lead us to consistently hurt others, purposely and accidentally, in an attempt to follow our own desires. But for all that, there sure are a lot of huge snakes, evil demons, and bloodgushers.
I'm not a big haunted house guy, but last year this was turned into two different houses: one at Universal Orlando, and one at Thorpe Park, which had branching hallways, so you could choose your own destiny to a point. Damn, I wish I could've seen one of those.

     

Oct 16, 2014:

So the second horror movie I saw this month was Roger Corman's 1961 adaptation of The Pit and The Pendulum. Well, I say "adaptation." Really, it only contains 1) A pit, 2) A pendulum, and 3) An Inquisition-era torture chamber. All the rest is an invention of Richard Matheson, who also published his short story "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" the same year. It's barely related to Poe, but it's not otherwise bad: production values are pretty good. And, though his acting is far from subtle, this was before Vincent Price had descended into Shatnerian levels of self-parody. If you wanna watch a 1961 movie about torture and psychosexual horror, this isn't a bad choice.

While I don't like the style of the fantasy sequences much, I love that Corman shot them in black and white because he'd read that, at the time, psychologists believed most people dreamed that way.

 

Oct 17, 2014:

Corman's fourth Poe film, Tales of Terror, is a compilation of three short films, each starring Vincent Price. The first, "Morella," is a fairly straightforward retelling of that story, reusing (for at least the second time) the house-consuming fire footage from his first Poe film, Fall of the House of Usher. The second short is the best, entitled "The Black Cat" but much more inspired by "The Cask of Amontillado." It's great fun to watch Price and Peter Lorre have a wine-tasting competition, and you just know Lorre's breakdown at the end of the story is going to be big, big, big. The third, "The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar," has Basil Rathbone as an evil hypnotist, changing the original story into a revenge tale (so all three stories share that theme.) I think this is the best of the three Corman Poe movies I watched this month. The digest format makes sure that things move along at a brisk pace, and there's very little slowness to it.

Oct 18, 2014:

Roger Corman's seventh (!) and penultimate Poe adaptation, The Masque of the Red Death, represented a change in production and style for the series. It was filmed in London (to take advantage of certain tax schemes) and credited a lot of British people who did little work on the actual movie. Like "The Black Cat" from Tales of Terror, Masque... interpolates another Poe story into the action. "Hoptoad" is a Poe story I was completely unfamiliar with until this film, and its inclusion is one of the best aspects of the script. For some unknown reason, the decadent Prince Prospero is a Satanist in this version of the story, and there's a lot of nonsense about worshiping The Dark One and "Your God is dead." The script for this wasn't written by Richard Matheson, but two other TV writers, Charles Beaumont (who wrote a lot of Twilight Zones) and R. Wright Campbell, who mostly worked on Westerns. I wouldn't bother with this, unless you're the most obsessed Poe completist in the world.
One footnote: the sweet, innocent ingenue of the movie is played by a young British model and actor named Jane Asher. The story goes that, during filming in '63, her boyfriend, a musician, was about to play his first London gig and he visited her on set the day prior. Corman met him, declined an invitation to attend the show, and wished him luck. That kid's name was Paul McCartney. So the story goes, but the story comes from Corman, and I suspect he's a bit of a fabulist and self-promoter above all else...

So the next four year-old reviews I'll post include one last Price/Corman film and three early horror films from the 40's. Stay, as they say, tuned!