MST3K #324: Master Ninja II

It's #324, and Grandpa Ninja saves the day again!

It's two more episodes of The Master, a ten-years-late ripoff of Kung Fu, with more obvious stunt doubles and goofier plots. McAllister and his junior partner have two more adventures, and first they help a five-years-late Norma Rae ripoff organize her cannery workplace. Then, they help a twenty-five-years-later Bond ripoff fight terrorists and rescue hostages. Along the way, McAllister gets to play with all his ninja toys ("Oh, he brought his sample case."), and Keller drives a motorcycle and a plane, and kisses two pretty girls.

Did I mention George Lazenby is in this movie? They cast him as a Bondian spy, with a handful of cool gadgets. (His sticky-tracker gun looks bulky to bring into a garden party, but what do I know?) There's also a big part for David McCallum, who was one of the M[e]n from UNCLE. (He's doing well for himself these days as Ducky on NCIS.)

Sidebar: One final note on a guest star... uh, cameo in this FILM. Robert F. Hoy, who plays Masterson in the second episode... uh, half of the film, must be friends with David McCallum. He played three different characters on three episodes of Man From UNCLE, and his last role listed on IMDB is a cameo on NCIS. (He also appeared in bit parts on a LOT of the shows Joel and the Bots mention: Magnum PI, BJ and the Bear, The Rockford Files, Mannix, Mod Squad, Bat Masterson. And, it should be pointed out, he squared the circle by appearing on two episodes of Kung Fu.)

This episode has two so-so host segments, and two that are AMAZING. The "General Timothy Van Patten" one, pictured above, is just perfect. It's got one great joke, and lasts not a second too long. After that, Tom's long explanation, assigning specific pets to fictional detectives, is perfectly skewed, nerdy, and hilarious.

The riffs hit more than miss. I loved "You didn't have to climb into a security-guard warehouse," and also laughed out loud at "Didja ever see Food of the Gods, buddy?" There's even a Stan Freberg deep-cut joke with "John!" "Marsha!" (And I love the nerdiness of Tom's mention of Foucault.)

This one has a lot of repeated jokes. Not counting callbacks to the last episode, this is my second episode in a row to mention: "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers," "I'll Be Seeing You," Lech Walesa, "Hooker's a good cop!," Blazing Saddles, The Rockford Files, Starsky and Hutch, Silly String, Gymkata, Prince, "Huzzah!," Knight Rider, "Stranger in Paradise," and "Mendozaaaa!" (That Simpsons joke was really fresh at the time -- that episode aired just two months before this one.)

It's the fourth in a row to mention "Hi-keeba!" and Jerry Lewis. (And the fourth of the last five to recall 1960's TV Batman. I'll stop counting these now, putting them in the same category as Python and Wizard of Oz and Beatles jokes [three in this episode, not counting two solo Paul jokes and the Rick Nelson "Garden Party" line].)

AND the DVD has a nice long bonus: a 2010 Dragon*Con panel about Tom with both Josh and Kevin talking about their history with, and views of, the character. I saw this ages ago on YouTube, and the picture quality still isn't great, but it's an amazing collection of the best Servo stories (and Kevin even pulls out the original hate-banner). It's hosted by superfan Ken Plume, who's posted, like, a dozen hours of interviews with various MST folks over the years on his podcast, A Bit of A Chat.

A joke that didn't age well:"She’s got a Landers sister quality."
A joke I had to look up: "Looks like a Paul Klee painting."
My favorite joke: I liked a LOT in this episode, but my absolute favorite was "Let's see a show of hands." "I lost my hand in a fish-chopper."

Overall, I rate this one 8/10. The movie is goofy and fun, and the riffing is absolutely top-notch. If there were one more great host segment, I'd give this 10/10.

Up next, I watch #412, Hercules And The Captive Women.

MST3K #322: Master Ninja I

And now, #322. It's got a white ninja, a mediocre TV hero, and a few minutes of Demi Moore.

Here's another "movie" that never saw theaters. The TV show was chunked and formed into seven different movieloaves, and I'm going to watch two of them. The first one has guest spots from Demi, Claude Akins, Clu Gulagher, and Deliverance's Bill McKinney as a corrupt cop. (The DVD bonus has an interview with him, and he seems to have enjoyed watching this one. I'll see him again in Final Justice).

Lee Van Cleef is an aging ninja, looking for an apprentice, since all the Asian ninja he instructed have turned evil. Luckily, there's another American (a Van Patten, even) who wants to learn the tricks of the trade, and help out some oppressed folks in the bargain. Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten, driving around in a van. It's a triple-van show.

Sidebar: Why did the TV of the 70's and 80's have so many traveling heroes? Just this week, I watched Claude Akins in an episode of his 1972 trucker action show, Movin' On, since it was partially filmed at Six Flags Over Georgia. In that episode, Claude gives up a lucrative Bible-hauling contract to help an old man in his foolish dream to launch his redneck hot-air-balloon into a race.

And speaking of old men, the second episode... um, half of the movie... features an old hoofer. Charlie Collins hadn't acted in 30 years, and they show us a clip from his best-known movie, The Dancing Pirate (which I've seen before, since I watch more pirate movies than any reasonable person should). Then, Collins does a short dance in the current day. I'm not sure exactly how or why he shows up here. (Was he friends with the director?)

One more note: during the climactic tightrope sequence, who the hell carries the briefcase full of money across? It's not in anyone's hand. Are we supposed to just ignore it? Tim's clearly carrying it just seconds later.

And I like the riffing here, a lot. ("I've got a bad feeling about that knick-knack shelf.") There are a few then-zeitgeisty jokes about Japanese folks buying everything, and Crow affects a pretty offensive accent for a few minutes, but they mostly steer clear of that trap. For no good reason, there's a run of dark jokes about actresses (Isadora Duncan's scarf, Edie Sedgwick's cigarettes, even a really tasteless one about Katherine Hepburn). There's a huge slam on Stephen J. Cannell out of nowhere, and even a random line from a Thurl Ravenscroft Disney TV theme song. Tom impersonates Jack Perkins (well) and Barry White (not so well).

This is my first (and second) Prince joke, and an early mention of Dream On!, before it shut out MST at the Cable ACE awards. It's also the first time I've heard something other than "Mighty Science Theater" over the closing credits. This is my second episode in a row to reference: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Planet of the Apes, and The New Monkees. This is the third episode in a row to mention: Jerry Lewis, Dairy Queen, and "Hikeeba!"

A joke I had to look up: "Looks like Clarence Thomas's wife."
A joke that didn't age well: "You know, these Robert Bly weekends are getting more and more intense."
My favorite joke: I really love how game Frank is to play along during the middle host segment. He's gotten all dressed up, and doesn't even get to finish the word "showtime" before Dr. F. shuts him down. Poor Frank.

Up next, #324, Master Ninja II.