Christmas With Dave Foley #13: The Grand Finale

Dave's done a handful of other Christmas things over the years, most of which were too short to write whole blogposts about, so here's a roundup of all the ones I know about.

Waaaay back in 1996, the emotional heart of Kids In The Hall: Brain Candy took place at Christmas.

Sidebar: Remember how in Newsradio's second Christmas show, Dave and Lisa manage to visit his parents' house, but they can only stay a few minutes? It always reminded me of this scene.

In between full-length stories from the Prep and Landing elves, Wayne and Lanny had a shorter, special quest to fulfill in 2010's "Operation Secret Santa."

And just last month, Wayne and Lanny got another adventure, at Disney's Hollywood Studios in Florida, with a big projection/fireworks show, "Jingle Bell, Jingle BAM!" It's pretty standard as far as these types of things go, with a melange of quotes from wintry and Christmas scenes from the best-loved things in the Disney canon. It has a nice framing story, as the elves have to rescue Santa from Oogie Boogie.

And even more recently, just two weeks ago today, Dave appeared at a Christmas cabaret, and read a new poem, playing off one of my favorite KITH skits (which I linked to earlier this month), and it's a Seussian retelling of our frettingest, most cretinous, upsettingest election ever.

Finally, two holiday reminiscences from Dave. First, a short interview he gave for Coopers' Christmas, with a recollection of his childhood Christmases. Next, a memory of his favorite and best Christmas present.

And now, if I may, a short recitation:

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Dave Foley gave to me:
Twelve bad relations,

Eleven naughty children,

Ten elves a prepping,

Nine scammers dancing,

Eight Parks-a-singing,

Seven Dans-a-fighting,

Six guest stars singing,

Five silver blades!

Four moms and dads,

Three minutes home,

Two gravied trouts,

And a Pepsi with Fibber McGee.

Thanks, Dave, for a great December.

I wish you a Merry Christmas! I wish you Happy Holidays! I wish you the best Bellini Day ever!

Peppermint Twinkies

Hey, look! It's my hundredth post on this-here weblog! To celebrate, let's get all sugared up!

The white fudge on the outside of these Twinkies is pretty perfect: it's got a tiny amount of crunchy shell, and a vanilla sweetness to replace what we expect from the cream (sorry, "creme") filling. The cake is pretty standard Twinkie, but the filling has some peppermint in it. Not as much as I expected, but it syncs up perfectly with the fudge and cake.

I really enjoy this one and, like the cinnamony Pumpkin Spice Twinkies, would gladly eat these year-round. It's been a fun month of junk food, and while nothing can beat those Cinnamon Roll Peeps, all six of the things I tried were fun and tasty.

I suppose I should write about junk food throughout the year, since I try a lot of the limited-time items anyway. (You need to have some of the Brazilian Picanha Lay's chips, if you can get your hands on them!) As they say, stay tuned.

Christmas With Dave Foley #12: Coopers' Camera

Okay, I guess I'm burned out a little this month. Sure, I've posted a lot, but some of the stuff hasn't been very good. Like this. In fact, mostly this. I guess this movie has an audience, but I'm not it. I've seen a lot of cringe comedy, and enjoyed a lot of Jason Jones' work in the past. But I didn't like the vast majority of this film, and the few bits I did like were overwhelmed by the horrific, cartoon awfulness of practically every member of this extended family.

I have two more posts to write, and I don't want to waste my energy working hard on a post about this movie -- it's already taken too much of my time. If the trailer makes you laugh out loud, this may be for you. It certainly isn't for me.

As a Christmas movie, I rate this 2/10. As I said, there are a handful of parts I liked.
As a spotlight for Dave, I rate this 2/10. I guess it's slightly better than Postal (probably), if you want to see a movie with Dave's penis.

Christmas With Dave Foley #11: Prep & Landing: Naughty vs. Nice

So the second Prep and Landing is... not as good as the first one. It spends a lot of time with new characters and relationships, and the story is more kid-friendly this time.  It focuses on Dwayne's brother, and their relationship. I like how their story mirrors the "villain" in the show, and the dual resolution of both parts is a nice touch.

In fact, it's so nice I almost want the rest of the show to be better. I like Lanny's sideline story a lot (though he gets so little screentime I question his top billing in this one), and there are some fun twists, but this is a lot less interesting to me as a grownup than the first one.


So, like the first special, this one has a bunch of Easter eggs. There's a small plush cameo from Nessie, the star of the two directors' previous short. Mickey and several princesses appear as merchandise, too. And then there are these two kids, in a scene with a mall Santa.

We get to see more of the North Pole's culture in this show, and I got a silly amusement-park kick out of their mass transportation system (and I can only hope that any one of our several "Santa's Village" parks install something like that).

Overall, this is a flawed but fun sequel to something nearly perfect. The worst thing about it is that it can't live up to the first one.

As a Christmas special, I rate this 6/10. It's certainly better than the average, and I'll watch it several more times. It's got plenty of laughs, but the laughs and the heart feel separate from each other this time, not intertwined in the same way the first one managed.
As a spotlight for Dave, I rate this 6/10. He doesn't get as much to do emotionally, and I feel like his character has a lot less Dave in it this time.

Christmas With Dave Foley #10: Prep And Landing

So why am I spending so much of this December with Dave? Well, because of this, really. There have been three Prep and Landing cartoons (so far), and Dave starred in all of them as an old-hand helper elf, Wayne. The original, in 2009, got good ratings and reviews, and a handful of awards. It also introduced us to Wayne, who's been doing his job for several centuries and is a little burnt-out. Naturally, he gets an idealistic new rookie for a partner, to play off of.

We get to explore a lot of North Pole culture, with specialized jargon (all the adult language has been replaced with jolly holiday euphemisms, which makes me laugh more than it should) and a fully-developed society. The elves all have a lot of nifty spy gadgets to help them do their jobs, which lend the special a continued air of quirky technocool, even while it's all in the service of the holiday story.

Besides the performances from Dave and Sarah Chalke and an offscreen Santa played by W. Morgan Shepperd (who played The Big Guy onscreen the next year in a TV movie), the script continually surprises. I expected this to be a lot more kid-centered and, frankly, a lot less interesting. But like the best family entertainment, there's a level of jokes and story to appeal to adults too. If, like me, you avoided this for that reason, I'd recommend giving it a try.

As a Christmas special, I rate this one 10/10. It exceeds technically, artistically, and has plenty of heart and holiday spirit. It's fun and funny, and my third viewing this week was still interesting.
As a spotlight for Dave, I rate this 7/10. Wayne has a pretty big character arc for just 25 minutes, but it's ALL about his story. Dave gets to play a lot of different tones, most of which are right in his wheelhouse.

Pumpkin Spice Twinkies

I was going to write about these beauties back in October, but I ran out of time. Lucky for all of us, these are still in stores, even as late as today. Like Jack Skellington, they straddle the fall/winter holiday season as a whole. This is the second year Hostess have made these, and this year they also brought out a cheesecake variation that sounds good.

These are very recognizably Twinkies, with the classic foamy cake we all remember. The creamy filling has a good dose of cinnamon, though. Maybe it could use some nutmeg, some more ginger, etc. As it stands, this is the second-best seasonal treat I've had this month. (I'm still craving more Cinnamon Roll Peeps, and just stocked up at the Walgreen's.) I'm proud to be taking some to a few Christmas parties this week.

You might get lucky and find some of these on eBay at this-here link.

Christmas With Dave Foley #9: Leverage "The Ho Ho Ho Job"

Dave guest-starred on a lot of TV, so it's not much of a surprise when he pops up during the most wonderful time of the year. This is a Christmas episode of Leverage, a show I've seen most of and enjoyed.

This one sees the team helping out a mall Santa who's been framed, and fired from his beloved job. Turns out the mall is hemorrhaging money, and the manager has brought in new, thuggish Santas to rob the joint on Christmas Eve. (Willie Soke would be so proud.)

Dave is that manager, and while the team races to foil the evil plan, they realize an old nemesis (hi, Wil Wheaton!) is behind the grinchy plot. Dave spends most of the episode in a nice character turn, whacked out on morphine and determined to redeem himself.

While Eliot gets a lot of time undercover as Santa (the whole episode builds up to a big five-way Santa fight), this episode belongs to Parker. I've forgotten how much I enjoyed her character in particular. She dances, speaks in an elf voice, and decorates the office Christmas tree with millions of dollars in stolen jewelry. (Plus, I love the idea that Hardison might actually have hacked the weather so she can get her snow.)

This episode also makes a handful of jolly references: Die Hard, Kill Bill, Back To The Future, and the writers even named Dave's character Eben (Santa suspects it's short for "Ebenezer").

Sometimes it's a bad idea to watch too much Christmas TV -- I'm reminded of how much I enjoyed certain shows, and want to see more again. But I'm so behind, and I've still got four more Dave Foley days to go (and big plans for January). I liked Leverage: it was mostly good fun, a light-touch wish-fulfillment show with heist-con elements. It hit a lot of my favorite entertainment buttons.

As a Christmas episode, I rate this 9/10: All the characters, and the plot, are motivated by Christmas. Sometimes a Christmas episode doesn't have much Christmas in it, but this one is wall-to-wall merry. The gift exchange at the end is a series of perfect character moments.
As an episode of Leverage, I rate this 7/10: I recall episodes I enjoyed more, with stories that reached higher levels of genre fun. But the whole team is in good form, and Parker was always my favorite character.
As a spotlight for Dave, I rate this 7/10. His character journey may not be new or innovative, but I think I mentioned how fun it is to see him enjoying so much morphine.

Christmas With Dave Foley #8: Dr. Ken "A Park Family Christmas"

It's been a while since I watched anything on TV live as it aired, but last night, Dave appeared on Dr. Ken's first Christmas episode. I've only seen two previous episodes, and I don't really love the show, since it leans into about every family and workplace sitcom cliche ever. The parts I have enjoyed are the few twists -- Ken Jeong's terrible use of street slang, and Dave's perverse glee at being such an awful pennypincher.

One of my favorite Christmas episodes (which I haven't seen in a few years) is from The Bob Newhart Show. Bob and Emily invite all their friends, and a lot of Bob's patients, over for a party at their apartment. The patients talk out a lot of their holiday issues, and end with a nice singalong. I couldn't help but remember that funnier, smarter show when Dr. Ken and his wife end up inviting a patient (hey, it's Ted from Scrubs!) to their house for a party, which of course ended in a heartfelt singalong (even Dave's character seemed to be feeling the song). I didn't get moved by much of the sweet family stuff, though a surprise gift exchange made me go "aww" near the end. And most of the jokes didn't do anything for me, though I imagine some of them would land better if I knew the characters.

In my experience, ABC.com won't let you stream shows the first day or two after they air, but [edited] the link should work now for the Americans. Or, you might get lucky here. And, of course, since it's brand-new, I won't put on a buy-link either.

As a Christmas episode, I rate this one 5/10. It's got music, and decorations, and gift talk, and generosity of spirit, and people learning lessons about the meaning of the holidays. But that's just dressing for a bog-standard sitcom.
As a spotlight for Dave, I rate this one 4/10. His tiny, one-note character is at least a fun note.

Christmas With Dave Foley #7: Dan Vs. "The Mall Santa"

What show is this? That's not a rhetorical question -- I had no idea this was a show. Apparently it was originally created for a venue like Adult Swim, but ended up on a kids' network, near Transformers and My Little Pony and Fraggle Rock reruns. Besides Dave as the main character's best friend, it also has Paget Brewster as Dave's wife, and this episode features voice actor Grey DeLisle as the mall manager, and some guy named Mark Hammel... um, Hamill, as the mall Santa.

What a show. I don't know that I'd want to watch the whole run of the series (though apparently it has a decent following), but it's fun and offbeat and weird. 

As a Christmas show, I rate this 9/10. It's got music and decorations and heartfelt reminiscences about Christmases past, and a lot of discussions of joy and generosity.

As a spotlight for Dave, I rate this 6/10. His character is interesting, but he doesn't get to do much except voice-of-reason in this episode.

For some reason, only the first season got a physical release, so your buy link is for streaming rights. Or, y'know, just watch em all for free on YouTube. Your call.

Cinnamon Roll Peeps

The Cinnamon Roll flavored Peeps are perfect. They smell like cinnamon! The marshmallow and fudge both taste like sweet, buttery cinnamon. There's even a slight yeasty undertone (this is a good thing) to make the flavor more authentic. I'm trying to keep my sugar intake at a reasonable level, but I just polished off the whole pack in under an hour. Oh well, it's Christmastime. If I can't make questionable dietary choices this time of year, when CAN I?

I could easily eat one of these every day for the rest of my life, so once again it's a good thing for me that they're still just a seasonal item. These are another retail exclusive, only available at Walgreen's. Though I imagine this time next year they'll be more places, since they are so dang good.

You might get lucky -- as I write this, there are some for sale on eBay, though the markup there will be pretty high, so you should just find some at Walgreen's if you can.

Christmas With Dave Foley #6: The True Meaning of Christmas Specials

So here's a lost Dave Foley Christmas item. It's an hourlong Christmas special, written by, directed by, and starring Dave himself. It's got a ridiculous cast, with Kevin McDonald, Jason Priestly, Dave Thomas and Joe Flaherty reprising some SCTV impressions, Andy Richter, Mike Myers in full-on self-parody, and even Dick Dale. I love Dick Dale.

Most of the guests have something fun to do, and Dave gets to play with a lot of Christmas special tropes. He mopes at the hollowness of commercialism, sings, ice-skates, and even undergoes the whole Christmas-Carol-three-ghost-deal. I laughed, or at least chuckled, pretty consistently through the whole special, but I think I know why this one's lost. Dave's a really good writer, but he's best at short sprints -- knocking out a six-minute sketch with Kev, or coming up with individual character bits on the Newsradio stage. I don't know why there weren't more writers on this special. Dave knows plenty of fantastic writers, and he was smart enough to collaborate on things like The Wrong Guy (which is undeservedly forgotten by most). For one example: I didn't think Dave's shadow-realm exhibitionism is very funny, but I kinda get the idea that Dave's never been a perfect feminist. 

So it's not perfect, but there are so many enjoyable moments. Dave's impression of David Bowie is better than you think, and seeing him and Flaherty reenact the old Bing/Bowie "Little Drummer Boy" duet is a hell of a lot of fun. There's also a quick scene of Dave and Kevin bickering about Christmas specials yet to come that reminds me of their easy chemistry. Finally, if you've never seen Dick Dale and El Vez collaborate on a Christmas song, you haven't lived. (I love Dick Dale.)

If you've never seen it, it's fine to put on in the background while you wrap presents for an hour. Or, you can fast-forward through the songs and finish it in half the time. You can't buy this thing anywhere, but the whole video's been up on YouTube for years without getting pulled down, so it should be safe to watch there for a while.

As a Christmas special, I rate this 5/10. It's got some funny twists on the old ideas, but none of the heart.
As a spotlight for Dave, I rate this 7/10. He does a lot of different things, but his auteur status reflects poorly on him when the whole thing feels hollow.

Christmas Cookie Peeps

It could be said that I spend too much time on this supposedly media-based blog talking about Peeps. Well, it could also be said that we don't need over a dozen different limited-time flavors of Peeps, but that's how the Peeps company pays their stock dividends every year. Only a monster would want a candy company to go out of business, depriving children and adults alike of sweet succor in these trying times. You're not a monster, are you?

No, I didn't think so. You're reading this blog, so I'm going to assume that besides maybe having too much spare time, you're also intelligent and kind and probably easy on the eyes.

So, since we've agreed that Peeps simply must put out a bunch of seasonal flavors, and I must therefore eat them and write about the experience, let's move on, shall we?

The Christmas Cookie Peeps are a little boring, to be honest. The "sugar cookie" marshmallow tastes an awful lot like any other marshmallow to me, sadly. This claims to be a Walmart exclusive, with the white fudge on the bottom (okay, I liked that part just fine). Online, they're selling the same marshmallows with chocolate on the bottom instead, and I'll bet those are a tiny bit tastier.

As I write this, these are sold out on Walmart.com, but here's a link just in case they restock before the end of the season. Or, try your luck and go into a Walmart, if that's something you REALLY want to do ten days before Christmas. Hey, they have to pay their stock dividends too.

Buy Christmas Cookie Peeps from Walmart.com

Christmas With Dave Foley #5: Newsradio "Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show"

Newsradio's final Christmas episode is "Stupid Holiday Charity Talent Show" (from the same titling geniuses who brought you "Super Karate Monkey Death Car" and "Spooky Rapping Crypt"). Matthew has been fired by Andrea Planbee, and a wacky sitcom plot ("which, when I think about it now, doesn't even really make sense at all," Matthew says) hinges his reinstatement on the staff winning a talent show.

Dave's embarrassed about all his talents (the tapdancing revealed in the previous season, plus jelly-making and possibly his high-school performance in Grease), so everyone else has to come up with acts. I love watching Vicki Lewis get to sing (which Beth never did much, and you should totally check out Vicki's Christmas album), and it's always nice to see Bill at the piano. Lisa offers to do mental math. Joe hits stuff.

Sidebar: Maybe because it's not mentioned in the dialogue, I don't remember noticing the end of Joe's story before today. During the final scenes, both his hands are bandaged up. I wish the DVDs had deleted scenes.

Double Sidebar: While I'm wishing things, this was the first episode after Khandi Alexander left, and I'd be interested to see Catherine's talent. Catherine is maybe too regal to entertain at a silly talent show, so would she just refuse? Or would she have something surprising to help Matthew?

And so Dave has to pull out his final, genuinely impressive talent: knife-throwing. This episode, of course, is memorable as Dave's reunion with Kevin McDonald, who appears as a perfectly Kevin-ish character, Dave's knife nemesis.

Dave's short-lived confidence leaves as quickly as it came, of course, and so the real hero turns out to be Matthew all along. He pulls out his surprise talent: ventriloquism. And it goes about as well as anything Matthew does, though he gets a depressing holiday surprise: more pity, and his job back.

So Dave's depressed, and we're all feeling sorry for Matthew, and then Dave puts the final twist on the show, and Christmas at WNYX has come to an end. It's by no means their best Christmas show, but it's plenty good, and I still watch it every year.

As a Newsradio episode, I rate this one 6/10. It's got plenty of memorable lines. But the plot is so constraining, and frankly the show had a hard time righting itself after Khandi left. But, a Newsradio 6/10 is a 9/10 for most other shows.
As a Christmas episode, I rate this one 5/10. It's got Matthew singing "Silent Night," in the first and best scene. There are decorations and a little bit more Christmas talk, but not a lot of holiday spirit. When Beth sings, she sings "Makin' Whoopee," which is a great song, but not exactly seasonally appropriate.
As a spotlight for Dave, I rate this one 8/10. Dave Nelson is usually a bundle of nerves, and this whole season saw Dave on edge more than usual (I still love "The Public Domain," for example). It's great to see his dynamic emotional arc in this show -- he's got a roller-coaster of emotions, and Kevin to play off of.

Christmas With Dave Foley #4: KITH "Santa Claus"

I can imagine how this came to be written, and I bet you can too. I haven't done any research about it, but I KNOW it: one too many holidays was ruined by parents hectoring for grandchildren. I just know it. And like with our parents, we all love Santa, even if we don't want to get pushed around by them.

There's not much Dave in this, but it's so seasonal I can't NOT write about it. I love Mark's version of Santa, with hints of Jim Backus and a perfect childlike tantrum when he hears a "dirty" word. I would've liked to see Santa come back for more sketches, where he had to react to real life, but I'm pretty sure Mark already had enough iconic recurring characters.

As a Christmas sketch, I rate this one 9/10. It's a perfect juxtaposition of Santa's holiday idealism with reality, and the problems in that intersection.
As a KITH sketch, I rate this 7/10. It's short, and simple, and the premise is everything. It could work almost as well on SNL or Laugh-In, though the twist at the end is wonderfully KITH-y.
As a spotlight for Dave, I rate this 3/10. He's onscreen for less than a minute, but one of his three lines has a nice twist in the delivery.

Christmas With Dave Foley #3: Newsradio "Christmas"

Newsradio's second Christmas episode is from 1996, and it opens with a magnificent Joe/Matthew scene. In just two minutes, we learn everything we ever need to know about their relationship, and how the rest of the staff react to them.

Matthew's also busy helping Jimmy James pick gifts for all his rich friends (Bruce Springsteen gets mittens, for example). Dave finds himself doing everyone's work, which puts a crimp in his plans to take Lisa home to meet his folks (to her relief).

And while Joe is preempting postholiday depression by ripping down decorations ("Now you can go fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg"), Beth and Bill record a commercial.

Sidebar: I'm not entirely sure radio stations mail out Christmas cards to advertisers the week of Christmas, and I'm pretty sure the advertisers don't record their Christmas-themed commercials that week either. But I'll get over it.

Beth is really the star of this episode -- the montage of her botched takes is lightning-fast and hilarious, a real spotlight of her manic childlike energy. It's also great to see Matthew reenacting the old Christmas tradition of the Feast of Fools, as he sits in Dave's chair and pretends to be him.

One final note: Please don't let your dogs eat Polaroids. 

Second sidebar: I wonder whose dog that is. It could easily be a stage dog, though it's not credited. I know all the writers brought their dogs to work with them -- did it one belong to one of them?

As an episode of Newsradio, I rate this one 8/10. Everyone has something funny and in-character to do, and only Catherine gets shorted on screentime (no surprises there, I'm afraid).
As a Christmas episode, I rate this 7/10. Decorations, plenty of holiday talk about gifts and family and food.
As a spotlight for Dave, I rate this 7/10. He gets to hit almost all of Dave Nelson's notes in this one, from bemusement to bone-dry sarcasm, and even a bit of sweet romantic Dave. (The only color missing from the palette hadn't really surfaced yet in the course of the show, the unhinged, frustrated Dave they leaned on too much in Season Five.)

Christmas With Dave Foley #2: Kids in the Hall "Bellini Day"

I'm not doing this series in strictly chronological order, so our next thing, randomly chosen, is a holiday sketch I adore.

This won't make a lot of sense if you haven't seen a lot of Kids In The Hall, or at least enough to know the recurring use of writer Paul Bellini as a silent, bizarre absurdity. (If you're not familiar, stick around after the sketch to hear Dave and Kevin explain a little of that history.)

Obviously, the unnecessary slam on religion is a memorable part of this sketch, and I can imagine that putting a lot of people off. But it's by no means the most heretical thing the Kids ever did, and the way Mark overplays it makes it funny, even the third time it happens.

I've always loved Bruce's kid characters, and his clueless laughter at 1:18 gives me life. Of course, we're nominally here for Dave, and he shows up in the mostly thankless role of dutiful mother (though he gets to show some leg, and even a stylish hairdo).

I'd hoped to find enough Christmassy or winter-themed KITH sketches to make 15 or 20 minutes into a compilation, but this and the next sketch I post will have to do. Sorry.

As a KITH sketch, I rate this 7/10. It's too inside for people who aren't familiar with the show, though it works hard to reach the heights of absurdity the show consistently depended on.
As a Christmas sketch, I rate this 9/10. It has all the hallmarks of an old-fashioned "true meaning of Christmas" scene, with everything twisted a little to make it hilarious.
As a scene for Dave, I rate this 5/10. Mom is kinda one-note, and even her hair is overshadowed by everything else around.

Christmas With Dave Foley #1: Newsradio "Xmas Story"

And now, this month's special feature: Christmas With Dave Foley. We've got about a dozen holiday things to talk about (no, really!), so let's get started, shall we? 

Newsradio's first Christmas episode came during their first full season, and it's a nice twist on the old Christmas tropes. Messages of kindness and generosity are spoken, but not actually observed by any of the characters. (Even Dave's big generous gesture seems hard for him -- he has to psyche himself up for it.) Jimmy James has dropped the ball on gift-giving, so he scrambles to make up time. Meanwhile, Bill has another stalker, roleplaying as a charity Santa. (I don't spend a lot of  time looking for metaphor in this show, but one of the few times Andy Dick truly injured himself during a pratfall on this show, he slipped on money. True meaning of Christmas. Think about it, folks.)

Sidebar: I've always had this weirdly specific fan theory about Newsradio: they're all a family. (I know, I know, but hear me out.) Dave and Lisa play the parents, of course, even when they're not really a couple. They have to reign in their three unruly kids (oldest Joe, middle child Beth, and the youngest, and strangest, Matthew). The bickering couple next door (Bill and Catherine) are always popping in to borrow a cup of sugar and sow discord, while the family's eccentric, rich Uncle Jimmy constantly brings odd gifts and weird situations into the house.

Double Sidebar: Back in the day when I was playing with the idea of writing my own Newsradio fanfic, I wanted to write a fantasy episode wherein the cast all played out those roles, with canned laughter and all, but I couldn't find the right framework for it. Was it all a dream? Whose? And for a show with such a rich history of noncanon fantasy episodes, how could I ever do it justice?

That family dynamic is, like in the best episodes, front-and-center here. Dave and Lisa really have to step up and fix Jimmy's gift situation for Matthew's sake, while trying to keep their own sanity. They're so focused on reconciliation they can't even enjoy their Miatas. (Is that plural right? I feel like "Miata" should have one of those faux Greek/Latin plurals, like "Miati" or "Miatae.")

In fact, everyone else is so focused on Matthew's problem that Bill gets little attention from his coworkers in this episode. The whole show, he's ignored and laughed at, and his whole story plays out with nobody else around. (The AV Club reviewer called it "Snuffleupagus all over again.") At this point in the series, we knew little of Bill's early life, but I imagine holidays at the McNeal house weren't particularly happy, so for Bill this particular Christmas is just another example of "good times."

As an episode of Newsradio, I rate this 7/10. Everybody gets at least one big laugh, and it's a good example of how everyone plays off everyone else. I'm a nerd, but I'd rate this one a whole point higher if, at any point, anyone did any radio-related business.   (There are plenty of places in Manhattan to buy a radio.)
As a Christmas show, I rate this 8/10. There's plenty of gifting and discussions of holiday heart. Bill even learns a moral lesson or two, which isn't always true for the show.
As a feature for Dave Foley, I rate this 6/10. He doesn't get to play a lot of different things here, but his default Dave Nelson is so thoroughly lived-in and nuanced, even this early in the series. Like Bob in The Bob Newhart Show, he's the center of the show, but not the most obviously funny person in it; his job is mostly to react. Later in the series, Dave would get to do bigger and broader things (and sometimes it went a leeeeeetle too far), but this is centered, stable Dave at his best.

Gingerbread Larabar

Hey, look! It's another seasonal Larabar! The gingerbread one is... okay. It smells good, and I like the addition of raisins and vanilla to the recipe. But it's just not gingery enough for my taste. I kinda wanted to smell more ginger when I opened the package, and that's not there.

Like the pumpkin pie flavor, the texture isn't what I'd pick. But hey, it's another bar that's mostly blended dates and nuts, and it's not called "Ginger Snaps," so maybe my own expectations are the problem. I love the idea that every food company makes special seasonal things during the holidays, and I never would've tried a Larabar if they hadn't put out these flavors, so it's a win-win for everyone.

The Twelve Days of Christmas (1993)

Since it was cheapish, I bought a DVD containing a bunch of holiday specials. This is the one I bought it for, since it stars Phil Hartman as a weedy, bumbling squire.

This special is based on a story idea from Romeo Muller, the legendary writer of Rudolph and Frosty and a lot of other, less beloved Christmas specials. The actual writing, though, fell to another fella who mostly wrote for Smurfs, and this special's idea of both humor and tension feel very 1983 Saturday morning -- lots of sound-effect-enhanced pratfalls throughout. For some reason, all the main characters are bears, looking a lot like the Disney Gummi Bears characters to me, though your mileage might vary.

Sidebar: I know this is my pet peeve, and most people won't care, but a show that focuses so much on music shouldn't have every instrument in the score portrayed by a 1993 synthesizer. (Sure, every other possible corner was cut, from the cheap animation to the lack of brand-name voice actors [apart from Phil, the only other "name" in this special is the voice of Lion-O from Thundercats]. Still, it's named after a song. It's based on a song. Hire some people that own real instruments, and pay for some studio time.)

But even after all that, there are a few bright spots to this special, It's fun to see Phil Hartman do his brief impression of Maurice Chevalier, and the best parts of the special are different musical spoofs. The titular song itself can be interminable, but I enjoy the conceit here, where each verse is done in a different style, from doo wop and Dylan to Michael Jackson and Elvis. The basic idea of the story, wherein a crossword puzzle and a Christmas wishlist get confused, is vaguely clever, so much so that I can imagine a truly enjoyable version of this story.

More Christmas Phil coming up. Stay tuned.

You have two choices of buy link today -- either by itself, or you can spend two bucks more and get other specials too (including TWO with Ernest Borgnine!)

Pumpkin Pie Larabar

Hey, it's food time! Jack is holding a seasonal flavor of Larabar. I've never had a Larabar before, but my local grocery store had them on sale, and I felt like trying two holiday flavors.

This smells like pumpkin pie, a lot. And it also has real pumpkin in it, a lot. You can genuinely taste the actual pumpkin, which I didn't expect from any mass-market packaged food. I'm not sure I really like the texture of this bar; I might prefer more nuts, but that's okay. It's a nice counterpoint to all the overly-sweet, overly-chemical pumpkin spice treats that are still available lots of places. (I dunno how actually "healthy" it is, and it's got about the same calorie count as a similarly-sized candy bar, but the ingredient list is just fruits and nuts and spices, so yay for that.)

The Space Ghost Christmas Collection, Chapter Three

Episode the Third is entitled "Girl Hair," and it features Hanson. And The Tooth Fairy. And Santa.

Space Ghost has a potential Italian replacement, Zorak has some teeth, and Hanson wants to get blasted. So Space Ghost brings violence to everyone, and then takes Hanson off to buy a comb for their pretty, pretty hair.

Moltar's promoted, and so things go south pretty quickly in Tad's absence. On the way back to fix things, Spacey kills The Tooth Fairy, but pretty soon, to Moltar's delight, Santa shows up.

Well, kinda. He's bizarro Santa, and he wanted all the teeth to himself. This is ... the pottiest pre-Aqua-Teen Adult Swim thing I've seen. I can't enjoy this episode's twisted grotesqeries as much as the complete absurdity of SGC2C's midperiod, but Hanson are clearly having a lot of fun being on the show, and that's adorable and funny. (I wonder how much they enjoyed watching this episode? I mean, they like intoxicants these days, so maybe it's okay.)

Ah boom boom boom boom Santa!


As an episode of SGC2C, I rate this one 5/10. The weirdness is a leetle more than I care for.
As a Christmas show, I rate this 4/10. Santa shows up late, and he's not the jolly old elf we expect.

The Space Ghost Christmas Collection, Chapter Two

Episode the Second is entitled "Waiting For Edward," and it stars Denis Leary.

Moltar is about to destroy the Ghost Planet, and to celebrate, he's having a sale. He has a punching fight with Space Ghost, who quits fighting to host the show.

Denis gets off a few good jokes: about Celine Dion, Madonna, and his greatest fear: "Having to have my own show on prime cable." (Nope, just checked. No irony here.)

Space Ghost doesn't much care about the guest, as usual. So he wanders around, playing Zorak's synthesizer and trying on a mustache. Brak wants Melba toast. Tad boasts that he once beat up Charlton Heston "over the holidays." Then, maybe as part of the same story, he tells some kids at camp the story of how he saved Christmas. That's all.

As an episode of SGC2C, I rate this one 5/10. It's not bad, but it never quite reaches the dizzying heights the show usually hit.
As a Christmas show, I rate this one 1.5/10. This one's on me, again. I saw "Christmas" in the episode description and I just wanted to write about Space Ghost some more.

The Space Ghost Christmas Collection, Chapter One

Space Ghost C2C - A Space Ghost Christmas... by theperminator

For some reason, this Christmas special isn't streamable on the Adult Swim website, maybe because it's just special clips for a holiday marathon. Because it's never been on DVD, and I didn't catch it during the time I religiously recorded every episode, I'd never seen it till this year. (My friends, I'm sure, are happy about that. Every year for ages I made the people closest to me watch all the great Christmas episodes of my favorite shows, and this would have DEFINITELY made the list.)

It's snowing in space (one year after it snowed outside the SOL), and Don Kennedy's warm announcer makes his first-ever appearance on the show.

Spacey and Zorak sing a song. Then we watch an episode (elided during the embedded video above), and Spacey and Zorak sing another song.

Space Ghost introduces another episode, and then The Council of Doom start to sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas" (featuring lots of Brak!).

Another episode, another song.

This isn't quite perfect for me -- there's too much time doing the Cartoon Planet thing, just watching our friends sing. In fact, the best parts are all Zorak, shouting "Click click click!" or "Gabba Gabba Hey!" during unrelated songs.

Still, I'm glad it exists, and I can't believe I'm 22 years late to watching it.

As an episode of SGC2C, I rate this 4/10: Huge gobs of Zorak, but there's no guest (except a quick, silent reaction shot of dearly departed Kevin Meaney) and no one gets blasted. But that's unfair, of course, since this wasn't an episode. So never mind.
As a Christmas show, I rate this 9/10: It's wall to wall Christmas music, and snow, and wreaths and Santa hats.

(A note on the buylink: This special is not commercially available. Instead, why not buy another improbable Adult Swim Holiday thingy?)

The Space Ghost Halloween Collection, Chapter Four

Episode the Last is from Season Four, and it's entitled "Piledriver."

The show opens with a twist on Scooby Doo, with a nice joke for the voice-chasers out there -- Zorak (originally voiced by Don Messick) is subbing in for Scooby (originally voiced by, yes, Don Messick).

Rob Zombie has a few minutes, during which he denies feasting on the flesh of humans, but most of the screentime in this episode goes to another member of Tad's family, his grampa, Leonard Ghostal. Gramps is voiced by Randy Savage, and it seems his character is an old wrestler, who showed Moltar's dad whatfor a few decades ago.

Raven-Symone brags about having met Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson. I don't wanna start rumors, but have we considered a Raven-Symone curse of some kind?

Then Zorak and Moltar enact an old-school wrestling ambush, and Grampy Space Ghost is down. They blame Raven for it, of course, and Spacey believes them. Of course.

Zorak gets his, of course, and then Grampy's ride stops by, en route to beating up Mary Hart.


As an episode of SGC2C, I rate this 3/10. I'm not much of a wrestling fan, so the unified theme of this episode doesn't do much for me. My favorite part is the 30-second opening gag. (Apparently, I'm in the minority here -- I get the impression a lot of people love this one. YMMV.)
As a Halloween show, I rate this 2/10. Scoob and the gang aren't doing anything spooky, and Raven-Symone wasn't even a psychic yet. Spacey's opening joke ("What do you get when you cross a Zombie with a Raven?") is the only Halloween-related content here. It's my fault really; I just saw Rob Zombie and assumed there might be some horror talk. I'll try to find a festive one in December to make up for it.

The Space Ghost Halloween Collection, Chapter Three

Episode the Third is "Switcheroo," from Season Three.

Space Ghost is interviewing Susan "Youngest One In Curls" Olsen, when his evil twin shows up and tries to take his place. For a few moments, Spacey doesn't notice. Y'know, since he's so smart. After insulting Susan a bit, the evil twin demands Elvira, so he can flirt with her. Elvira announces she's working on several projects (I keep forgetting she wrote a handful of books -- I should find one sometime).

Spacey returns, and demands the return of Susan Olsen. He's immediately called away again, and the twin makes Moltar bring Elvira back. Space Ghost finally realizes his evil twin, Chad Ghostal, is the one causing this week's confusion about the guests, and they prepare to duel. Luckily, Mother Ghostal intervenes, just in time for another impostor to make an appearance, to end the show.

My favorite Zorak moment in this one is possibly my favorite Zorak joke ever, as seen to the right there.

This show also has a great Moltar joke, which I haven't seen many of in this random collection: asked if he has rocks in his head, Moltar says, "Well, actually..."

Besides the iconic Zorak joke, I love the recurring sound effect joke of the little kid saying "whoosh" every time Space Ghost flies up out of sight. I've watched this twice in two days, and laughed literally every time. (This isn't new, either. I've seen this episode several times before. I conservatively estimate I've laughed at that "whoosh" at least 50 times over the years.)






As an episode of SGC2C, I rate this one 8/10. It's still got the classic early-years guest banter, plus a helping of the later-era bizarre surrealism. I love "whoosh."
As a Halloween show, I rate this 8/10. Besides all the Elvira content, there's an evil twin, and a creepy closeup of that sticky icky eye. Yeccch. There's even a trick-or-treater at the door.

Monster Mansion Redux

I've written about Monster Mansion twice before, and those two posts provide a good introduction to what it is and why I care about it.

To sum up: it's an exclusive dark ride at Six Flags Over Georgia, with over 100 animatronics, a bunch of 4D effects, and a catchy, catchy theme song.

Rather than repeat anything else from what I just linked to, I'll just say this: I've only gotten to ride it once this year, and found that this soundtrack CD is no longer for sale at the park.

I'm not terribly surprised by that, really -- it was a niche product, and frankly they probably sold as many as they could, realistically. (I was also impressed with the physical item -- the CD booklet folded out to make that attraction poster, which I kinda wanted to frame.)

So I decided I would make this available to download for you. A lot of you who aren't theme park nerds won't care, but the rest of you might. So I zipped up the CD with all the artwork and a few extra things I've collected here and there. (If you like theme parks and aren't following the Goddard Group on Facebook, you should fix that immediately.)

If any of the owners or creative folks behind this are upset with my sharing, I'll pull it down immediately. Obviously, I own nothing and am just a huge fan of this unlikely, weird, wonderful achievement. I'd hate awfully to upset any of you. (If your contracts allow, you should consider making the music available digitally -- low overhead, and it can stay in print forever.)

Happy Halloween, everybody!

Get the music here!

The Space Ghost Halloween Collection, Chapter Two

Episode the second: "Boo!" from Season Three.

Space Ghost is interviewing Michael Norman, a ghost "expert." Norman admits this is his first actual encounter with a ghost, and takes the opportunity to pepper Ghosty with a few questions. Dangit, as a skeptical-know-it-all-jerk, I wanted to hate Michael Norman, but he seems to have a good sense of humor about the show and himself. It's fun to watch him probe Space Ghost with questions, even to the point of blasting.

Then, one of my favorite knowing skeptics, Bill Nye, shows up for just a moment to remind us there is still much science has to learn, like how a ghost can live in space. And then it's over.

My favorite Zorak moment in this episode is, of course: "Blast him! Blast him! Blast him!"

As an episode of SGC2C, I rate this 8/10. Zorak's "Blast him!" is iconic, and the scratch-audio joke at the end is perfect.
As a Halloween show, I rate this 6/10. Plenty of ghost talk, and Tad even gets to go "OooooOOOOOooooo."

Blackenstein (The Black Frankenstein) (1973)

Well, I sat through it, so I might as well talk about it. It's 1973's cheaper, more insulting, less competent answer to Blacula. It's Blackenstein (The Black Frankenstein).

I dunno, maybe I was expecting too much from this movie. My memories of Blacula were of a movie that was, yeah, a little slow, but at least technically competent. At worst, I figured this would be a hilarious collection of 70s fashion and wah-wah guitars and "jive sucka" dialogue. And I got none of those things.

Let's run down the list of things the movie does wrong: First, and most importantly, it's technically a mess. It's poorly edited, both in picture and sound. The music seems to be stock horror music (there are a couple original songs, which are good enough, if you like that sort of thing, and I do), but it just jumps into and out of scenes, sometimes literally from shot to shot. The dirty, scratched, faded film print used for this DVD does nobody any favors either. Much of the film is way too dark. Watching this in a darkened room, on a nice big TV, I shouldn't have to squint to see if anything is happening (frequently it wasn't).

The script is a poor excuse for a first draft. We're told the white Dr. Stein (Do ya get it? Huh? Do ya?) won "The Nobel Peace Prize for medicine." There's a lot of talk about DNA and RNA, which nobody seems to understand. Despite all the DNA talk, they pull out the same old Van de Graaff generators to perform Eddie's operations. (I'm assuming the rental of those machines took up a large portion of the budget, since they get waaaay too much screen time.)

Eddie is a disabled Vietnam vet. That's an important, interesting topic, and for a few minutes, we think the movie has something to say about it: the attendant at the VA has an ... interesting monologue about it, but the movie's just setting him up to be the first victim. For this film, Vietnam is only a plot device to disable a man, so he can become a monster and the producers can make some money.

The movie has a serious problem with women. Eddie only kills women (he attacks several men, but only women die on screen). I'm disturbed that, like a lot of cheapo exploitation movies from the time, this confuses sex with violence -- we see the breasts of three women, of whom two die violently onscreen, and the third barely escapes with her life. Oh yeah, and there's a LOT of sexual assault in this movie. Our heroine is victimized by a madman (who also altered the DNA formula which changed Eddie into Blackenstein, if you were wondering), and another random woman walks away from a date rapist only to die at the hands of Blackenstein. There's a third sexual assault in an alley, and Eddie kills both parties.

And, believe it or not, that's not the worst part of the film. As far as I can tell, none of the makers of this film were black, and it shows. The movie spends NO time talking about the politics of race in 1973 America, which would make sense if the film addressed those issues as metaphor. Frankenstein is RIPE for the metaphorical plucking, but this movie can't be bothered. This movie doesn't understand what it looks like when the "good" white man beats a savage, imprisoned black man with a chain. This movie doesn't understand what it looks like when police set dogs on a black man, and the dogs literally rip his guts out onscreen. 

Sidebar: there is a scholarly book out there which addresses these issues in the film very seriously. I've scanned a few pages on Google Books, and I'd LOVE to read the whole thing. Take a look (if you can, skip to page 196 for the relevant passage).

I'd like to give the filmmakers credit, and think they knew these things meant something. I'd like to think these decisions were deliberate and thought-through. Unfortunately, the technical ineptitude and lack of effort in every other part of the movie convince me that the whole thing is a slapdash money grab. 

I always give you a buy link, but don't buy this. Don't watch it. 

The Space Ghost Halloween Collection, Chapter One

Others have said it, and I'll agree: Clay Croker was a weird comedic genius: one of the founding minds behind Adult Swim, and one of the primary voices in my beloved Space Ghost Coast to Coast. In his honor, we're watching three four episodes of the show, with some spooky guests. (None of the eps are embeddable, though they're all currently free-to-stream, so click on through. I'll wait.)

Episode the first is from Season Two, entitled "Girlie Show."

Spacey has arranged a tribute, of sorts, to Women in the Entertainment Industry. Moltar shows us a montage of womanly arts, thanks to the Turner/MGM film library, (Zorak, of course, wants a tribute to Jack Klugman instead, so he goes on strike.) Fran Drescher appears, and Space Ghost, naturally, falls in love with her.

And after Ghosty learns that Fran is married, and Zorak taunts him with the idea of her (speculative) marriage to The Professor from Gilligan's Island, Carol Channing attempts to bolster his spirits with her upbeat, sparkling joy. (It doesn't work, partly because she also turns down his advances.)

So, naturally, determined to charm his way into the third beautiful guest's heart, he calls for the lovely Alice Cooper. Yep, sometimes Thaddeus Ghostal doesn't know much about anything at all. Alice tells us that he was born wearing eye makeup, though he never killed or bit anything on stage, really. And then he's gone too, and Zorak takes over with a montage of Klugmania.

My favorite Zorak moment from this episode: I love that when Space Ghost warns Zorak to watch his mouth, he can't, since "it's too ... underneathy." (Also, like so many other episodes, there's a bit where Zorak and Moltar both laugh at Space Ghost, and the two laughs are very very distinct, even though they're both Mr. Croker.)

Sidebar: I should also point out that Don Kennedy also shows up as a voice in this, only his third appearance on SGC2C. He's best known these days as the voice of Tansut, though my father and Clay Croker both knew him best as a kiddie TV host in the 50s and 60s.  (My dad STILL quotes "The Ooey Gooey" at any occasion.)

As an episode of SGC2C, I rate this 6/10. It's a great early show, with plenty of banter between Space Ghost, Zorak, and Moltar.
As a Halloween show, I rate this 3/10. Alice doesn't get to do any scary stuff, but Zorak does mention The Twilight Zone. (The answer to his trivia question, by the way, is four!) The underscore to Zorak's Klugman montage is properly nightmarish, but short.