Savory Saturday: Lay's Everything Bagel Chips

Hey, I'm back! And so is the Lay's "Do Us A Flavor" group of food outliers. Let's dig in.

The "Everything Bagel With Cream Cheese" chips don't smell like much of anything, which is a shame. I actually put my whole nose into the bag, and mostly smelled the bag and maybe some fried potatoes. (Okay, I'm fighting the dreaded summer-cold, but that can't account for ALL of it.) The cream cheese is front and center in the taste arena, with all the other things hanging waaaay back. I guess it's too much to hope for the taste of an actual bagel in a kettle chip, but I can't even tell much about the seasonings. (The ingredients list includes actual poppyseeds, which of course leads me to speculate that consuming enough might cause a drug-test malfunction, but people who would eat that many of these chips have bigger problems.)

Of the three new flavors, this was the one I was most excited for. With the kettle chip texture, I even held out hope that we might get those wonderful crunchy bits of blackened onion, but this is a letdown there too.

No matter -- I've got two more new flavors to try, and I'm sure to really like one of them. Oh, and speaking of things I'm sure to really like, I'm off to see the live Mystery Science Theater tour tonight, and I'm finally restarting those reviews here in the next week.

As usual, the buy link is a ridiculous price, but these are currently available ALLLLLLL over the country, so you shouldn't have a hard time finding them at a local store.

Savory Saturday: Sopa Azteca and Tacos Vegetales

Hi, all. It's April, and I'm back from my vacation. I ate farrrr too much unhealthy food, most of which was delicious indeed. This is the only review I'll be writing about my vacation food, though. My wife and I have a tradition of eating in the San Angel Inn at Epcot, which has some of the best restaurant ambiance anywhere in the world.

Sidebar: Not that you asked, but the ride which begins alongside this restaurant has gotten a big upgrade in recent years. I last rode it in 2013, and since then the finale video-screen has been replaced by animatronic figures of The Three Caballeros. They're ancient, in audio-animatronic terms -- they've existed in basically the same form for 46 of the 55 years since Disney started producing AAs. But, they give the ride a real sense of climax. My absolute favorite theme-park blogger, Foxxfur, had this to say: 

The initial climax of Gran Fiesta Tour was just another screen in the back of a stage, and I always found the animation on that final screen to be less inspired than the rest of the animation in the attraction, and especially weak compared to Ward Kimball's masterpiece song sequence from the 1946 film. There's now something that neither El Rio nor Gran Fiesta Tour had in that space: a real sense of payoff, that you rode the boat and reached a goal for a darn good reason.

Sometime since my last visit, there's been another change. The restaurant has finally stopped serving my old favorite, the duck tacos. It seemed wrong to eat duck outside the entrance to a ride which contained a dark joke about Donald's cousin being roasted and served to diners, but they were always tasty. I got a vegetable taco plate instead (and, as you can see, Donald seems happy about the change). The vegetables were well-seasoned, and blended well with the cheese and crema on top. 

I also got the tortilla soup, a perennial favorite of mine in any form. Besides the broth and tortilla strips, it also has avocado, peppers, and cheese. (You can read the official descriptions of both from the menu here.) As always, the ambiance was more impressive than the food here. (But how could it not be?) If you're ever in the area, and have both the funds and even a slight appreciation for Mexican food, I recommend this restaurant with all my heart. Why not make a reservation now?

March's Food Model Spotlight

In honor of Saint Patrick's Day, all the food models for March have been green. In order of their appearance:

The Funko Pop Godzilla is a huge, bulky guy. Like most of the Pop figures, he isn't very articulated. In fact, no part of him is movable at all. I was lucky to be able to balance a potato chip on his arm in one review. But, he looks adorable, and is scaled up from most of the Pop characters.

Playability: 2/10.   Displayability: 8/10.

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Next, the Kidrobot Morbo is a fun guy. I loved the series of Kidrobot Futurama blind boxes, and spent way too much trying to get all my favorite characters. (I ended up with three Frys, for example.) Morbo can turn his head, and rotate his arms. It's not a lot of articulation, but even those few points give him some personality. He even comes with a little accessory of Dr. Flimflam's Vein Cream.

Playability: 5/10. Displayability: 7/10.

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On to our loscannic friends. Naveen is just an accessory, really. He comes alongside the Funko Pop Tiana figure. He can't move or pose at all, really, just sit there. He's scaled just right to sit beside Tiana (and her costars Louis and Dr. Facilier). Still, I think the Funko Pop style works well for this tiny frog.

Playability: 2/10. Displayability: 6/10.

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Finally, Kermit and Robin.  I loved the old Palisades Muppet collection (speaking of toylines I spent far too much on), and was excited to see the new Diamond Select versions in person. They're ... different. I liked the option of the bases for the Palisades figures, which made the characters much more poseable. On the other hand, Diamond has made Kermit extremely articulated. By my count, he has 18 joints! (Robin has 5.) Unfortunately, he doesn't stand very well, so I had to lean him against things for all his photos. Even more unfortunately, his eyes aren't right. It's hard for toymakers to mass-produce Kermit and get the thickness of his pupil-slits correct. (That's also my main complaint about the current Pez design.)

Robin, however, is great. The Diamond Robin looks great, and he can pose well. (The old Palisades Robin was fine, but he could only sit.) But perhaps most importantly, you can get Kermit and Robin (and Bean, who will be showing up in this space next month, and a stool and a banjo -- the more expensive comic-shop version also has a log, a ukelele, and another chair) for like $23. The cheapest Palisades basic Kermit on eBay right this second is $25.00. 

Playability: 8/10. Displayability: 6/10.

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Tomorrow is April 1, but I promise there's no trick; just a salty food review. Oh, and another new food-modeling friend. See you then.

Thursday Treat: Caramel Cheetos Sweetos

Our froggy friends are back to taste-test the other Cheetos Sweetos flavor with me.

I like these much better than the cinnamon ones, and it might have to do with the interplay between the savory and sweet elements. I'm not a huge salted-caramel guy, but these are just delightful. I'm tempted to crush these and sprinkle them on a dish of vanilla ice cream.

Kermit and Robin both appreciated the sweetness of these, though I don't think Kermit's suggestion to add them into dragonfly-ripple ice cream sounds very good.

Naveen doesn't get much junk food, being married to a brilliant chef and all. The only intelligible thought he had is, and I quote: "Eating the whole bag would be nice, yes?"

Yes, it would.

I'll be back tomorrow to talk for a few sentences about all of the green food models that visited this month.

Tuesday Birthday Treat: Party Cake Peeps

You might've noticed that the nonfood posts are a little light on the ground these days. Well, I'm secretly out of town, celebrating my lovely wife's birthday. Let's see who wants to help celebrate.

Why, it's a whole army of frogs! Kermit, Naveen, and Robin all came by to try the first of many different Peeps I'll be eating over the next five weeks.

The first, and most important thing, about these Peeps is the smell. When I opened the package, I got an overwhelming whiff of buttercream frosting. The rest of the experience is kind of a letdown, sadly. The marshmallow and sugar coating taste pretty much the same as usual, sadly. Still, that smell is great.

I'm in a hurry, since we're pressed for time this week, so this review will be just that short (sorry not sorry). More food, and more frog friends, to come!

Saturday Salt: Lay's Beer 'n Brats

Greetings, puny earthlings! It is I, Morbo! Prepare to hear my review of these potato chips. They are flavored with hops and salted meats, for Morbo to devour with his mighty jaws. I gave them to Fawn and the kids, and they couldn't believe it. They were delicious! Pathetic human?

Thanks, Morbo. Hi, folks, it's Mark again. Morbo's right -- these chips are pretty good. The mixture is heavier on the beer than the brats (for some reason, it's real beer flavoring, which I didn't expect). But, these still have that unctuous hot-grease mouthfeel you get from a fresh-grilled sausage, which is a pretty good achievement. In fact, these are so rich that I don't think I'd eat these alongside a sandwich.  Back to you, Morbo.

Morbo has enjoyed this visit to Earth, and the tour of the tiny humans' snack foods. Now, humans, prepare for Morbo to destroy this entire bag of tiny potato slivers! 

While Morbo is finishing off the chips, I better sign off. He hasn't threatened me personally yet, but I know it's just a matter of time. Thanks for tuning in this week. Next week, another green friend (it's March, and all the food models are green) will help me try more snacks.

Thursday Treat: Cinnamon Sugar Cheetos Sweetos

Today, Morbo and I are trying out the Cinnamon Sugar Sweetos. These aren't new for 2017, though I think the seasonal egg shape might be. I've seen the Sweetos brand around since at least last Christmas, though I hadn't gotten around to them until now.

They're ... saltier than I expected. I know Cheetos is a savory brand, but there's almost too much savory in this blend. I like cinnamon sugar as a rule, but these are, oddly, not sweet enough for my taste. (I might prefer just dry Cinnamon Toast Crunch straight out of the box.) What's nice is the calorie count -- this decent-sized bag is just 140 calories (or two Peeps Oreos), probably because there isn't too much actual sugar.

Morbo didn't care for the texture of these, since they have the same give of most cheese puffs. (He and I agree that Cheetos are a superior snack because of the crunch, which for some reason reminded him of puny human bones.)

Still, the taste isn't unpleasant, and the egg shape is nice. I have another flavor of these to try next week, and I suspect Caramel goes better with the savory nature of these. So I'll keep you updated.

(As usual, Amazon expensive. Find local store. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.)

MST3K #604: Zombie Nightmare

It's #604, with more delinquents and a baseball-bat-wielding zombie.

Our movie this time is a low-budget Canadian rock-teen-horror-baseball-voodoo film (yes, ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE), featuring Adam West and Tia Carrere. A chunky baseball player stops two young punks from raping a young woman, and one of them stabs him to death, right in front of his son. Then, years later, his grown-up son prevents a robbery and gets coincidentally run down in front of the store. The new young punks (one is the son of the second, non-murdering punk from the prologue, and is also a rapist) drive off, leaving the son to die in the street. His mother calls on the young woman from the prologue, who luckily is a voodoo witch (there are lots of those in Montreal, doncha know?) and they revive the son. He's not really himself, though, just a vengeance-bent zombie.

Why you should always call before you dig.

There's a young cop trying to solve all the teen murders, and his boss (Mr. West, there), seems to know an awful lot of the players in this case. Since, as it turns out, he's the stabby rapey punk from the opening, and the old baseball guy gets zombified just long enough to drag him down to hell.

The movie is pretty bad, but it kinda knows it. (Or at least the creators did -- the DVD special feature has several of the stars talking about their reflections on the MST version of their film, and how much they liked the show even before they were on it.) Adam West wasn't quite in full self-parody mode yet, though that time wasn't far off. As a result, his character work and mustache are enacted seriously, even his breakdown during the scene pictured above.

A deleted scene from Batman Vs. Soup.

And since Adam's in the movie, it's only right that Mike and the bots spend a lot of time talking about Batman. Crow's even written a sketch about it, but he threw it out, so Mike's wearing those tiny shorts for no good reason. Besides all the obvious Batman jokes, there are also a decent amount of jokes about the Canadian setting (David Steinberg, Andrea Martin, Bob and Doug McKenzie, and even The Kids In The Hall get called out).

Sidebar: Boy, do I ever wish the Mads didn't wear that makeup for their voodoo phase. Okay, maybe even the makeup would be okay, but the Screamin' Jay Hawkins bone-in-nose getup is just so tasteless.

This is my second episode in a row to mention: The NRA, Peanut Buster Parfaits, Chi-Chi's, Frankenstein, an Orlon sweater, Elvis, and ABBA. It's the third to mention Happy Days (four out of the last five, and now retired). And three out of my last four episodes have mentioned The Dilly Bar (that's it, all Dairy Queen references are retired too).

A (dark) joke I had to look up: "Were they the Tonton Macoutes?"
A joke that didn't age well: "He's doing the Nestea Plunge!"
My favorite joke: "George Romero's Casey At The Bat." (Honorable mention to the garage door closing: "That's a really trivial use of her dark powers.")
Overall, I rate this one 6/10. The movie is too dark to see, too noisy to hear. The riffs are on point, but the movie is a tad too serious for me to fully enjoy.

Up next, I'm watching #616, Racket Girls.

Tuesday Treat: Peeps Oreos

Today, Morbo and I are trying the new Peeps Oreos, a mad-science concoction that shouldn't work at all. I was all for them, though Morbo took some convincing. (He was worried that, at 70 calories apiece, the cookies would go straight to his gigantic forehead.)

The creme filling is supposedly the flavor of Peeps, though your basic Peep just tastes like sugar and a little vanilla. I don't know that these taste that different from a standard Golden Oreo, but the pink really pops, and as a whole they are just fine to me. When I asked him how he liked the cookies, Morbo would only shout "Morbo is PLEASED!" So there's that.

If you like Golden Oreos, junk-food mashups, and the color pink, then Peeps Oreos are made just for you.

(The Amazon link below makes you jump through a few hoops to buy the cookies, like being a Prime subscriber, and adding 5 more grocery items, so maybe just find them at a local store instead, if you prefer.)

MST3K #523: Village of the Giants

It's #523, with some giant "teen" delinquents.

Based on Dreams From My Father

Our movie this time is a teen party film, like Catalina Caper but without the blazing wit or hard rock. It's an affable movie, which only wants to make us laugh. And it pulls out all the stops: giant ducks dancing adorably, then being roasted and eaten; Tommy Kirk mugging; and Ronny Howard nearly killing himself repeatedly. Then, the film ends with possibly the most casually distasteful joke I've ever seen in a MST'd movie. (To sum up: Ronny is a chemical wunderkind, and has invented a goo that makes living creatures grow. A troupe of little people wander, on foot, into town so they can get bigger. Get it?)

Eldritch Cleavage

Along the way, we also see Beau Bridges make heartfelt speeches about how hard the teens have it these days (apparently he personally rewrote the dialogue), and the 30-year-old teens dance to a gaggle of pop songs from today's top hitmakers (or at least Freddy "Boom Boom" Cannon, whom I like, but who is no Little Richard). Finally, Ronny creates the antidote and shrinks those delinquents back down to size, The sheriff decides to forget all about that time they kidnapped his daughter and literally threatened her life. It's fun!

He was even stripped of his spitcurl!

You know what's actually fun, though? The arc of host segments. This is the first time in my binge that they've laser-focused on a single story (not counting the run of Thanksgiving skits way back during K02). And what a story it is! Frank has been downsized, and over 90 minutes of in-universe time, he grows a beard and watches weeks of daytime television. Oh, and Torgo is applying for his old job. Plenty of fantastic character stuff from Frank, and I always love seeing Mike's Torgo (there's one theme-music joke here which I can't even describe, but it sure is great). The whole thing is just a lovefest for Frank (with another great song by Mike -- and his lovely bride), and it's not till the nonstinger that we realize it's all thinly camouflaged love for another departed Frank. I'm watching #624 soon, so I'll hold off on my eulogy for TV's Frank till then, but this is a great tribute.

And even without the Zappa tribute, this episode has some out-of-left-field references: Mudhoney, The Fugs, Bukowski, and Ed Gein all get mentioned (putting to rest my complaint regarding too little avant-garde trivia in the last episode). Since Ronny has a lot of screen time, we hear a few lines from "The Wells Fargo Wagon," but more impressive to me is the other song from Meredith Willson: "Chicken Fat," the song despised by generations of exercise-avoiders. And there's a reference to Animal from The Muppets, with a very creditable impression.

This is my second episode in a row to mention: Deney Terio, Honey I Shrunk The Kids, William Conrad, Acapulco HEAT, Dudley Do-Right, Ed Sullivan, What's Happening!!, Dirty Harry, Happy Days, North By Northwest, The Chevy Chase Show, and Gymkata (now retired). This is the third in a row to quote a song by The Who, and the third of my last four to quote Groucho (also newly retired).

A joke I had to look up: "The ravaging effects of Osgood-Schlatter disease."
A joke that didn't age well: "Frank, you haven't been off that couch since Vicki!"
My favorite joke: I enjoyed "The Ope of Greenwich Village," but it was just edged out by "Very, very white-collar crime."
Overall, I rate this 10/10. The movie is perfectly goofy, and the host segments are impeccable. I'd gladly show this one as an introduction to anyone who hasn't seen the show before.

Up next, I'm watching #604, Zombie Nightmare.

Saturday Salt: Lay's Southwestern Queso

Gollyzilla's final snack for the week is one of the new Lay's chip flavors (there are three). It smells like cheese and onion when you first open the bag, but not much.

There's plenty of cheese flavoring, and some tomato and plenty of spices. In fact, this is a little past the limit of heat I personally like on a snack chip. (Gollyzilla thought it wasn't nearly spicy enough -- he said it almost extinguished his inner flame. Poor guy.) The spice doesn't overwhelm anything else at first, but it sticks around long after the other flavors are gone, as heat tends to do. I can't imagine eating the whole bag in one sitting, as I did with some of the last limited-time Lay's. (Did I mention how much I loved the Brazilian Picanha, and even the Tzatziki, from the last batch?)

There's nothing wrong with these chips, but they're not quite my style. Like I mentioned, I have two more new flavors to try in coming weeks, so I'm sure I'll find another one I like better.

The price on Amazon is high-markup, secondary-market stuff, so your buy link today is from Target. You're welcome.

MST3K #519: Outlaw (Of Gor)

It's #519, with a parallel-universe jerk of a hero.

Don't get your hopes up.

Our movie this time is a tiresome fantasy slog, based (loosely) on a notoriously misogynistic series of fantasy novels. And it's a sequel to something. Tarl Cabot (sure, that's believable as the name of a mid-80s American college professor) is a fella from Earth who found himself drawn to another planet, where he had some kind of adventures, though the flashbacks don't tell us much at all. It doesn't matter though, since he's quickly pulled back (along with an irritating sidekick character). And immediately, he has to save the kingdom from evil.

Jack Palance, showing the depths he fell to before City Slickers.

An ambitious woman has seduced the kind, beloved king (whose daughter is Cabot's true love). A priest-king (why would anyone cast Palance as a religious leader??) is colluding with her to overthrow the king, take over the kingdom, and undo all the progressive freedom and justice and stuff. (Nope, no political sidebars from me today. You can write it yourself -- seems pretty obvious.)

Cabot's earthman sidekick betrays him at the first scent of sex, the queen murders the king and frames Cabot, and the princess is imprisoned. Oh, and we see a LOT of body parts. Like, a lot. Thighs and calves, buttcheeks and sideboobs, and plenty of greasy oily sweat. In the end, Cabot is spurred into action by the queen's slaving policies, and manages to defeat her, marrying his princess and becoming king. (It seems the original novels took a different approach to slavery, and spent a lot of time on pretty backwards gender relations. The DVD bonus features include a short documentary about the original novels [they were written by an American college professor -- wishful thinking much?], along with the revelation that this film was shot in South Africa, during Apartheid. Ick, double ick, and damn humanity in general.)

Big, buttery slabs of Fabio! (feat. Crow's Leno chin)

It's my first Mike episode of the binge (his seventh as host overall), and he's already in full-flow. The episode first shows him rough-housing with Tom and Crow (and, naturally, it ends badly.). This episode's "invention exchange" is one in name only, since Mike and the bots are presenting Fabio kits. Clay and Frank present a totally-real time machine. This would be the final invention exchange, and I'm kind of glad they decided to abandon the concept. Mike wasn't that maker guy; he was a song-writing guy. And boy, does this episode have a great song. "Tubular, Boobular Joy" is a masterpiece of pop-novelty music-craft, properly beloved in the fandom.

The quality of the riffs is pretty indistinguishable from my last Joel episode. The obscurest riffs are slightly less avant-garde and slightly more 70s TV, but that's a first, unscientific impression, so take it with a grain of salt. There were an awful lot of jokes I wanted to specifically mention here, so here's just a few:

• "It's time for The Brutal Gourmet."
• "Here you go, Socrates."
• "Honey, I shrunk the Nelson."
• "He dislocated his mandible!"

This is my second episode to mention: Dilly Bars, Cosmo, Marlene Deitrich, a song by The Who, Cliffhanger, The Lambada, and "Sampo!" It's the third in a row to mention Jethro Tull, and the third out of the last four to reference Mr. Ed. Four out of my last five have mentioned The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and five out of the last seven referenced Indiana Jones (both now retired).

A joke I had to look up: "Joe Namath!"
A joke that didn't age well: "Kathie Lee had her baby." (Honorable mention: the reference to Ted Danson's notorious blackface appearance.)
My favorite joke: "This is the life." "For you maybe, not for the women."
Overall, I rate this one 6/10. The movie has a lot of things happen, but it's just so dull. I can't fault the in-theater riffs, but (song notwithstanding) the host segments aren't perfect.

Up next, it's #523, Village of the Giants.

Thursday Treat: Hostess Shamrock CupCakes

Gollyzilla and I are enjoying a tasty one today. It's our second (and last) Saint Patrick's Day food. I've always had a soft spot for the classic Hostess CupCakes, though I only eat them about once a year. These have green icing on top, and the creamy filling is both green and minty.

When you unwrap the cupcake, you get hit with a huge whiff of mint smell, in addition to the traditional chocolate. And unlike the Peppermint Twinkie, the mint is strong enough, well-balanced with the dark chocolate of the cake. Like the classic Hostess cupcakes, it's a perfect hit of sugar delivery, 160 calories right to the sweet tooth and bloodstream.

Apparently these sold out really early most places, and I could only find one online source for it. Again, I can't vouch for this link, but if you really want to try these, you can risk your $8.00. (If you can find any in real life, I would expect to pay less than half that, of course.)

Or, you can just wait for next March, when I hope they'll be back. Just like Gollyzilla. (He -- and I -- will see you on Saturday with a potato chip review. And then we'll both fight King Kong in a summer tentpole movie in 2020.)

MST3K #510: The Painted Hills

It's #510, so we get to learn about good grooming, and then Lassie's out to get revenge.

They're cops.

First, a condescending narrator tells all us college kids about the importance of personal cleanliness, obsessive grooming rituals, and conformity. Like all the great educational shorts on this show, the riffing gets dark and dirty, and deservedly so. I love that Joel and the bots call out the narrator for his narrow-minded shaming, and in the following host segment both Crow and Tom champion individuality. Before, you know, the debate descends into chaos.

And our feature film is a dark, gritty Lassie movie (decades before dark, gritty reboots were even a thing). Lassie plays Shep, a dog who looks just like Lassie but with murderous vengeance in her heart. Her owner has been murdered over a gold claim, the villain nearly kills a kid, and Shep survives poisoning and eventually runs the guy over a cliff. It's half Treasure of the Sierra Madre, half family adventure movie. It's too serious to be fun, and has too much Lassie to be a suitable movie for grownups.

Sidebar: Speaking of surprisingly brutal sequels, I saw Logan this week. It's amazing, and unexpected. I nearly mentioned it in my previous episode writeup (as another reason I was sad). I figured it was maybe too personal, but closer in tone to this Lassie movie. I can't imagine how many thousands of tiny kids were taken to see this movie, just like I was surprised to see that seven-year-old girl in my theater, dancing to the Johnny Cash song playing during Logan's credits. And, like The Girl In Lover's Lane, this movie is darker than I like for a MST episode.

Crow slaughters Jay.

And since the movie is so dark, it's lucky that the riffs are so good. Running gags about Snausages and the irregular Pete piling-on are consistently good, and several of the host segments are perfection. I like Crow playing Leno, and his report on Rutherford B. Hayes ("Pornograph?") is classic.

I can't believe I've already made it to my last Joel episode of the binge. For me, Joel is not just the creator/writer/original host of the show, he's the progenitor. I know that, for legal reasons, Mallon gets to claim some credit, but Joel is the creative person who made it all happen. I tweeted an earlier post at Joel, though I can't imagine he read it, and he probably won't ever see this. But he's brought me literally hundreds of hours of joy, and I know there are millions of other people out there who can say the same thing.

This is the second episode in a row to mention: Jethro Tull, Perfect Strangers, Paul Revere's ride, Groucho (now retired), and Abraham Lincoln. It's the third to reference: Kenny Rogers and It's A Wonderful Life (also now retired). Since I've been tracking all the Muppet references, I also laughed out loud at the joke on Big Bird's "ABC-DEF-GHI".

Bonus feature alert: I haven't been mentioning all of these, but this disc has nearly an hour of host segments from Turkey Days past, with appearances from all our friends and Jack Perkins too.

A joke that aged so poorly, it was already cancelled: "Remember to tape Delta."
A joke I had to look up: "Call her what you will: a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican."
My favorite joke from this one: I loved "Arf-keeba! Gym-collie!," but the prize goes to "Well, looks like the montage finally blew over."
Overall, I rate this one 6/10. It's just too serious to make good MST fodder. It might sound silly, but I really liked the characters and didn't feel like laughing when Shep nearly died from poison.

Up next, I greet Mike in #519, Outlaw of Gor.

Tuesday Treat: Tastykake (Shamrock) Snowballs

Whoops, I forgot to write a food review last week! I've got a new food review schedule, and lots of great-looking things lined up. First up, meet this week's food-model, the Funko Pop Godzilla. Gollyzilla is currently on loan from the collection of my lovely wife. Here, he's showing off the Tastykake Snowballs, which are all greened up for Saint Patrick's Day.

If you've never had a Snowball, it's like this. A tiny splotch of vanilla creme, surrounded by a chocolate cupcake. Then that's covered in a thin layer of spongy marshmallow and coconut. Usually, the coconut is pink (or sometimes white), but this is a special limited-time product.

I'm not a huge fan of untoasted coconut; my mother makes coconut cakes all the time, and I feel like I end up chewing the fibrous, grainy coconut long after the cake and icing are gone. That's why I've never been a big fan of Snowballs. With that said, I don't feel like this is a particularly bad dessert (at least the coconut is so tiny that it doesn't stick around too long), though I'll never love it no matter what color they dye the coconut. And at 420 calories in the two-pack, I better love it.

This tastes exactly like any other Snowball (unless you have a very refined palate, and can tell the difference between the food dyes, but then you probably don't eat a lot of snacks at this price point). I almost didn't buy this, but there are so few seasonal foods for St. Patty's Day. I only have one more to try. (Gollyzilla and I will see you back here on Thursday!)

I can't find a buy link for these things (though I got mine at the local Dollar General). Here's a store locator so you can find them yourself.

MST3K #509: The Girl In Lover's Lane

It's Episode 509, wherein two drifters visit a small town, sowing unhappiness among the townsfolk AND the audience.

Ah, the romance of the open rail! And the soul-crushing depression of the closed heart!

Our movie this week is a sad little slab of teen-crime drama.  Bix is a rough-and-tumble drifter, riding the rails, hopping freights from town to town, after his drunken slob of a father dies. Spoiled rich-boy Danny is running from his home too, though it's just a broken one. After Danny gets rolled and knocked out, they hop off a train near Sherman, a little town with about four women (and two of the four are prostitutes). Carrie (a waitress) falls for Bix, while one of the prostitutes gets Danny drunk and steals his wallet. Carrie gets the pair hired at her dad's diner (where they have to shoo off her stalker), and takes Bix out for night-time walks near the local pond. He pushes her away, since he's determined to drift on.

Sidebar: I couldn't help but be reminded of a similar -- though more recent -- potboiler by Lawrence Block, one of my favorite crime writers. His Resume Speed is about a similar drifter, who gets a job in a diner and falls for a woman. And he has to decide, does he deserve the happiness of settling down, or should he keep punishing himself? The ending of that isn't as manipulative as this one, and treats the subject with more emotion and adult seriousness. 

"Are we gonna hustle these guys, Big Stupid?"

Then Danny makes the mistake of changing a $50 in the local poolhall, and the local gang gives them an alley-fight to remember. And Carrie's stalker keeps creeping by, and before you know it, Bix has broken Carrie's heart, and then the stalker kills her, and her dad is beating Bix nearly to death. Just a really uplifting ending all around.

I dunno, maybe I'm just bummed out because I'm still hurting a little from Resume Speed. (On the other hand, the final host segment is just Tom and Crow coming up with alternate endings to the film, so I know I'm not alone in my response.)

Let's move on to more pleasant things. This episode has one of my favorite original songs from the show, which prompted me to embed a video for the first time in this binge. It's a brilliant train-song pastiche and, thanks to the lyrics from Frank, takes a really dark, real-life turn in the last verse. (The movie's opening "song," too, has a nice set of lyrics courtesy of our funny friends.)

All of these episodes have what I'm starting to think of as "reference clumps". This one has a LOT of references to painters: Picasso, Lichtenstein, Gainsborough, Whistler, and Munch all get mentioned along with Andrew Wyeth. 

This is the second episode in a row to reference: Garrison Keillor, Mr. Ed, Unforgiven, David Crosby, It's A Wonderful Life, Foster Brooks, "Jim Dandy To The Rescue," a Kenny Rogers song, Siddhartha, and Peter Lawford. It's the third to mention The Mary Tyler Moore Show and I Dream of Jeannie.

A joke I had to look up: "I am Xenon. Play me."

A joke that didn't age well: "It's Larry and Balki's apartment."

My favorite joke: I love the whole run of Danny's alternate dialogue. In addition to the one quoted above, there's "What about that guy I groined in the knee?"

Overall, I rate this one: 5/10. The ending of the movie, even with the constant jokes, is too close to sadmaking for me. 

Speaking of sadmaking things, next, I'm bidding farewell to Joel with #510, The Painted Hills.

MST3K #505: The Magic Voyage of Sinbad (sic)

And now, #505, as a Russian folk hero pretends to be Sinbad.

Vikings be different from Persians, you see.

A 1953 award-winning film, based on a classic opera. Seems like a perfect film for Roger Corman to buy and adapt, right? Except for one problem -- it's Russian, and we're at the height of the First Cold War. So his screenwriter (some guy named Francis Something-or-Other Coppola) renamed the hero "Sinbad," and changed the setting to Arabia. The original film is fantastic, imaginative, and has great production value. The reworked, commie-free version has bad dubbing and doesn't make a lot of sense. (The message still retains a little anti-capitalist flavor, though in an inoffensive kiddie-movie way.)

Skinbag discovers the snack that smiles back

Sinbad ... um, I mean Sadko, sells his hat to free a slave, catches a golden fish (with some help from Neptune's daughter), kidnaps a horse, beats up a lot of guys, plays human chess, kidnaps a bird-lady, sacrifices himself to Neptune, and fails to find the bluebird of happiness ("It's the Grackle of Weltschmerz"). 

I've seen two of the Russo-Finnish quadrilogy before (I saw The Day The Earth Froze and Jack Frost more or less upon their original airings, and adored them both), and I'm looking forward to The Sword and The Dragon before the end of March. They're always huge, goofy, perfect fodder for our friends to watch. 

Jestering is grueling!

And speaking of winning awards, let's talk host segments. For the first time in this binge, I've really enjoyed every single host segment. We first see Crow and Gypsy presenting a S.O.L.tie award (Tom: "Get Pricewaterhouse on the phone! I demand a recount!"), and then two classic inventions (chinderwear and the Rat Pack chess set). The jestering sketch is followed by a great town council, then Joel's bewildering catfish puppet, and topped off by Dr. F's friend Mr. Fistie.

The riffing is, of course, top-notch too. Besides the obligatory reference to Sinbad, they also mention Brad Garrett, Foster Brooks, Carrot Top, and Gilbert Gottfried. There's a questionable string of unrelated references to "Take Back The Night," the Rodney King jury, and even Stonewall.

This is my second episode in a row to mention: Dean Martin (now retired), I Dream of Jeannie, Jack Nicholson, Arby's, "Don't eat refrozen ice cream," The B-52s, and The Mary Tyler Moore Show. It's the third of four to mention Captain Crunch, The Marx Brothers, and Indiana Jones. And four of my last five episodes have mentioned: Blazing Saddles and The Flintstones (which join Martin and Lewis, The Wizard of Oz, Python, Beatles and Stones, and 1960s TV Batman in the ranks of references I've stopped counting).

A joke I had to look up: "It's Steve Martin's World of Birds."
A joke that just became relevant again: "They're test-marketing Crystal Pepsi."
My favorite joke: I loved "Man, I never knew Arabia was so Russian!" but I also have a soft spot in my heart for Joel's take on a really obvious model shot: "I've glued you all to the boats and put rods in your limbs for a reason!"
Overall, I rate this episode 10/10. Just flawless in most every respect.

Up next, I'm watching #509: The Girl in Lover's Lane.

Tuesday Treat: Russell Stover House Blend Coffee Big Bite

Look at this gorgeous monster. It's just a huge slab of candy, waiting to be nibbled at for an hour. It's covered in dark chocolate (and has that deep chocolate smell when you open it). The center is a solid plank of coffee ... something. It's almost like a fresh fudge texture, with that melt-in-your-mouth creamy-jelly consistency.

This isn't nearly as sweet as you might expect (apparently there's a cappucino one with more light creaminess), and the whole thing is overwhelmingly dark and rich. This would go great with a tiny dish of plain vanilla ice cream, or broken up over it. I've only had two tiny bites so far, and my whole mouth is full of coffee and dark chocolate. I'm even okay with the huge calorie count (300, or 4 Cinnamon Bun Oreos), since I can't imagine eating all of this in one sitting.

I love coffee-flavored candy (honestly, I love coffee-flavored ANYTHING), and I don't know why I hadn't seen this on shelves before. It's exactly what I want from coffee candy. My only complaint would be that, like the Coffee Nut M & Ms (which I also adore), there's no caffeine content listed on the package. I'm typing this a little before bedtime, and I don't think 1/3 of this will keep me awake, but I don't know for sure. (I'm more likely to buy a soda if it has caffeine content listed, too.)

Once again, the Amazon cost for this is que ridicule, so feel free to patronize a local store.

MST3K #413: Manhunt In Space

Well, I caught a cold, and that put me behind schedule at the worst possible time -- the release date for the new season was finally announced. It all drops on April 14. That means I've got just 46 days to finish my pregame binge. And with twenty more episodes to watch, I need to aim for one every two days. Seems like I won't make it, but I'll sure enjoy the attempt.

Anyway, today we're looking at #413, with some soapy clips and some space-spies.

Featuring Nurse Feratu

In an excerpt from the first season of General Hospital, doctors and nurses and patients soap it up, with long expository monologues and melodramatic speeches. The electric organ, as you might expect, is too high in the mix. Afterwards, the bots want to play soap opera, but Joel refuses to go along.

I guess Bill Paxton was just glad he didn't have to work with Helen Hunt in space.

And next, another movie that isn't. It's more TV episodes cut together, though at least this story was conceived as a single piece (take that, Master Ninja!). Rocky Jones is another one of those square-headed, cowboy-style space heroes, who solves every conflict with a fistfight, the old American way. (I'm glad to know that we haven't had anything like that happen on the ISS.)

Space pirates are capturing ships, stealing the cargo, and killing the crews, AND they've infiltrated the base of the heroes. Rocky and his irritating sidekick Winky use their invisible space-technology to find the mole and catch the bad guys. They get captured a LOT (this was originally three TV episodes, and I think the heroes get captured at least four times), and each time they have to punch their way out. In the meantime, the tiresome sidekick brags about his notional love life, and sings a cloying lullaby. I've seen the other MST'd Rocky Jones movie, though I'll be danged if I can remember anything about it. I hope Winky doesn't sing in that one.

Crow isn't a Stratocaster; Tom isn't the Golden Throat.

The riffs are up to the usual standard -- two fairly obscure Star Trek jokes I had to look up, plus mentions of Ted Knight, Mr. Mooney, Roy Lichtenstein, and Bettie Page. I really enjoyed the Mr. Wizard/Police Squad! style joke: "And that's how cattle are inseminated." (Speaking of Police Squad!, how obscure a reference is "Hey, it's the 'Sucker' Brothers"?!?) 

We learn a few trivia facts about our friends in this one: not only is Tom color-blind, but Joel apparently has a sister. (In the SciFi era, we would've seen Mike's sister, and she would've been Mike in a wig. In fact, I'll wager one American dollar that did happen.)

It's rare in this binge for me to watch two consecutive episodes, so I appreciated that Crow calls back the "good-natured brawling" from #412, just a few minutes after the well-aged callback to Fugitive Alien. But since these two aired in order, there aren't many repeated jokes. This is my second episode in a row to reference Captain Crunch, and the third to mention The Flintstones.

A joke that didn't age well: "What is this, Radio AHHS?"
A joke I had to look up: "When in Duluth, visit the Lift Bridge."
My favorite joke: Once again, I enjoyed the variant "Sturgeon! In! Spaaaaaaaace!", but the winner is clearly "It's like a million-to-one shot that we'll ever be seen." "Oh, they're on Comedy Central."
Overall, I rate this episode 9/10. Rocky's a little dull, but otherwise it's perfect.

Up next, it's #505, The Magic Voyage of Sinbad.

Tuesday Treat: Cinnamon Bun Oreos

My amazing wife found these for me. At first, I wasn't sure I even wanted to try them (after all, I had a fantastic Peeps experience these couldn't possibly top). However, I found a couple of good reviews.

The cookie is indeed flavored with cinnamon, and smells like it. The cream is softer than your standard Oreo filling, with plenty of warm spicy sweetness. I don't know how I'll make it through the whole package, since they're awfully rich. (And, at 75 calories per cookie, it'll take a while if I can show some restraint.) I think about 4 and a glass of milk would be a perfect meal.

Just today, they announced an ungodly combination: Oreos with a Peeps-marshmallow filling. I can't imagine how they could possibly be great, but they'll probably be good, and I can't wait to try them. Keep going, mad scientists!

MST3K #412: Hercules and the Captive Women

It's #412, wherein Hercules rescues a captive woman. Just one.

This film is dedicated to Uranus

For Gypsy's first real riffing experience, our film is... weird. It's got huge production value, a silly script, and poor editing. ("Can God Himself make a plot so complicated that even He can't comprehend it?") This is like the eighth Hercules movie the crew had to sit through, and I know I've seen a bunch of them. I can't remember a single thing about the others, and I don't know how much of this one I'll remember either.

Herc fights a terrible lizard

Well, okay. I'll probably remember the scene where they clearly reuse an old dinosaur costume from another film. I was never a big fan of ancient myths, and I can't necessarily explain the difference between Zeus and Poseidon. So let's just say I'm not a fan of the franchise, and don't have much emotional investment in the characters. The idea that Hercules personally destroyed Atlantis is interesting, I guess. This film is goofy, but even its goofiness is kind of boring. I don't know that I'd ever want to watch it again, or any of the other Hercules MST episodes for that matter.

Sidebar: I have a bad habit of needing a nap halfway through the dullest MST films, and I probably could've dozed off during this one. Maybe that's why I'm so cranky. ...either that, or I'm jealous of all the naps Hercules takes as the plot unfolds around him.

The aftermath of good-natured brawling

And apart from Gypsy making a decent joke in the theater ("They're steam-cleaning the horses!") there's not much memorable in the riff department either. I enjoyed all the softballs the movie threw about Uranus, and how the gang reply to them. It's nice to have the clump of sugar cereal jokes (for unrelated reasons, they call out Lucky Charms, Captain Crunch, and Cocoa Puffs), and this is my first time hearing "Jim Henson's Fill-In-The-Blank Babies" during the binge.

This is my second episode in a row to reference: "Don't take the brown acid," The Six Million Dollar Man, The Marx Brothers, "John And Marsha," "Attica Attica Attica," Indiana Jones, Tahitian Treat, and The Flintstones. And it's my third time hearing about: The Rockford Files, The Simpsons, Gymkata, "Hooker was a good cop!," Blazing Saddles, and Prince.

Bonus feature alert: We get a nice feature on all the Shout! Factory poster art from Steve Vance, and Joel introduces the film.

A joke I had to look up: "We love you Conrad, oh yes we do." (Bye Bye Birdie is on my to-watch list, honest.)
My favorite joke in this one: "Tonight's Episode: Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill To Fetch a Pail of MURDER!"
Overall, I rate this one: 5/10. The jokes are good, but the dull movie just killed my joy.

Next, it's #413, Manhunt In Space.